Jokes

21)  A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
 "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder
 tree', sighed  the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'..
 Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?'
 replied  the bull..'They're packed with nutrients'..
 The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that
 it  actually gave him enough strength to reach the first
 branch  of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more
 dung, he  reached the second branch..
 And so on..
 Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly
 perched at  the top of the tree.  Whereupon he was spotted by a
farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun,
 and  shot the pheasant right out of the tree..

 Moral of the Story:
 Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
 you there..

20)  Once upon a time there was a nice young man called Karim.  He used to
> sell caps for a living, and roam around several villages.  One day he
> would be in Mughalsarai, the other day people would find him in
> Faizabad.
>
> It was an afternoon in summer and he was traversing the vast plains
> when he felt tired and wanted to have a nap.
> He found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade,
> placed his bag of caps beside him and went to sleep.  Tired as he was,
> he was quickly fast asleep. When he woke up after a refreshing little
> nap, he found that there weren't any caps in his bag!
>
> "Oh" he said to himself, "Did the thieves have to find me of all
> people?"
>
> But then he noticed that the mango tree was full of cute monkeys
> wearing colourful caps!  He yelled at the monkeys and they screamed
> back.  He made faces at them and found the monkeys to be experts at
> that.  He threw a stone at them and they showered him with raw
> mangoes.
>
> "Damn, how do I get my caps back," he said.
>
> Frustrated, he took off  his own cap and slammed it on the ground. And
> lo, the stupid  monkeys threw their caps too! Smart Karim didn't waste
> a second, collected the caps and was on his way.
>
>
> 50 Years later ....
>
> Young Abdul, grandson of famous topiwala Karim who was also working
> hard at making $$$ doing his family business, was going through the
> same jungle. After a long walk he was very tired and found a nice
> mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade.  Abdul decided to
> rest a while and very soon was fast asleep.
>
> A few hours later when Abdul woke up, he realised that all the caps
> from his bag were gone!  Abdul started searching for the same and to
> his surprise found some monkeys sitting on mango tree wearing his
> caps.  Abdul  was frustrated and didn't know what to do. And then he
> remembered a story his grandfathers proudly used to let him.
>
> "Yes!!!!  I can fool these monkeys!!!", said Abdul. "I'll make them
> imitate me and very soon I'll get all my caps back!"
>
> Abdul waved at the monkeys.  The Monkeys waved at Abdul.
> Abdul blew his nose.  The Monkeys blew their noses.
> Abdul started dancing.  The Monkeys were also dancing.
> Abdul pulled his ears.  The Monkeys pulled their ears.
> Abdul raised his hands.  The Monkeys raised their hands.
> Abdul threw his cap on the ground ............
>
> One of the monkeys jumped down from the tree, walked up to Abdul;
> slapped him and said
> "You idiot!!!  Do you think ONLY YOU HAD A GRANDFATHER?????"
>

19) Three doctors got loaded in a bar and begun bragging about their
greatest triumphs. The first surgeon, an Australian, said, "We once had a
guy that had been squashed in a press in a printing works house last year. The
only thing that was left was the left little finger. Our team of surgeons
managed to construct a new hand, they built the new arm and a new body,
so that when he finally went back to his work, he became so efficient that
he made five people unemployed.

That's nothing, said a Canadian surgeon. We had a worker that got
stuck in a nuclear reactor. The only thing that was left was the hair. We
made a new head, a new body and new organs, and then we sent him back to
the working life. He got so efficient that he made fifty people unemployed.

The American surgeon beat 'em both, saying, "One day, when I was
out walking I smelled a fart. I put the fart in a bag and carried it to
the hospital, let it out on the table and started working. First we
wrapped the fart in an asshole, built a new ass and attached a body to
it. Finally, it became a man named Bill Clinton, and he's making a whole
country unemployed."

Martin had just met his girlfriend, when she asked him to go over to her
place for dinner to meet her parents. Not wanting to make a bad
impression, he goes over.

After he has been sitting at the table for a while, he feels an
incredible pain in his stomach and has to let a fart go. Just then, the
family's dog, Fido, walks under the table and his tail bumps Martin's
leg.

This kind of scares Martin and he lets a little fart go. Suddenly his
girlfriends mother yells "Fido!!"..

Martin is relieved "This is great, he thinks, I can fart all I want and
they'll blame it on the dog!!"

So Martin lets a bigger fart go, sure enough the mother yells at the
dog..

After farting twice Martin feels much better, and decides if he lets one
more fart go he'll feel a lot better. So he lets a huge ripping fart go,
this time the mother looks furious with the dog. Martin is finding this
pretty funny until the mother yells, "Fido, get out from under the table
before he shits all over you!!!!!"
 

Moral : Don't cross the road when the green man is flashing.

16)    There was a man, Ali, who has a brother who is unable  to speak a single word but is an accomplished artist. As the story  goes, Ali received 3 drawings from his brother one day.  First was a drawing of a chicken. Next was a drawing of a goat and lastly a leaf. Dumbfounded, Ali could not comprehend what his brother is trying to tell him. No matter how hard he  tried, he could not understand his brother's message. So, he had  to turn to the help  of an old man who usually sits in a coffeshop at Geylang. Approaching the old man, Ali told him about his problem. The old man looked at the pictures and after a few seconds later said that he understood what the brother is saying.
     "Your brother is going to visit you.", he says.
     "How did you know that?", the bewildered Ali exclaimed.
     "You never take Malay is it?....", said the old man.
     "The first picture is a chicken...in malay it is ...Ayam. Second picture, is a goat....in malay is kambing. Third pic is a leaf...in malay is daun.......So if you put them together.......It sounds...like Ayam Kambing Daun ( I am coming down!!)"

Question : Who was the survivor?

Answer :

A Female's Response:
The perfect woman: Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

A Male's Response:
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.  This explains why there was a car accident.

13) Lufthansa -

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to
all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were
somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency
and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the
non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all  the swimmers are
on the right side of the plane"

After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to
comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a
belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the
swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and
quickly
swim away from the plane. For all of the on-swimmers on the left side of
plane...
 
 

---THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- "

12) British Airways

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking.  On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the
Atlantic."

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you
will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.  If you look out
of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has
fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow
life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me  your captain,
the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.  This is a recorded
message."

11) One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above
New Jersey. There were five people on board:  the pilot, Michael Jordan,
Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen
generator
exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began
to
fill with smoke.  The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the
compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news.  The bad news is
that we're about to crash in New Jersey.  The good news is that there are
four parachutes, and I have one of them!"  With that, the pilot threw open
the door and jumped from the plane.
 
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash.  "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the
world's greatest athlete.  The world needs great athletes.  I think the
world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!"  With these words, he
grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and
into the night.
 
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The
world needs smart men.  I think the world's smartest man should have a
parachute, too."  He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
 
The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another.  Finally, the Dalai
Lama
spoke.
 
"My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss
of True Enlightenment.  You have your life ahead of you; you take a
parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop.  The world's 
smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

10) Politically correct usage for females:

She does not have:
      A GREAT BUTT
      She is:
      GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

She is not:
      A BAD COOK
      She is:
      MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
 
She is not:
      A BAD DRIVER
      She is:
      AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
  

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from
Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to
Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits
down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally
twins are drunk again."

8) One  day the Tuscan chicken director went  to a congregation in church. As the priest goes on about "My Daily Bread", the director  had a bright idea. After the congregation, he went to the priest and asked him,"I'll give you $500,000 if you change "My Daily Bread" to "My Daily Chicken". The priest said no."It's the words of the Lord. I cannot change it." Then the director tried again. " I'll offer you $1million if you change It to "My Daily Chicken".Again the priest declined, "No I cannot. It's the words of our Lord!" The director sighed and gave a last price. "I'll donate $2 million to the church if you change it for just one day!" The next day, the priest addressed the congregation."People, I have good news and bad news.The good news is the church is $2 mil. richer. The bad news is we lost the Gardenia contract."

 (No offence intended, just appreciate it as a joke and nothing else.)

7) Question :  What did the elephant say to the naked man?
     Answer : "How do you breathe through that thing?"

6) Quesiton : Why did the chicken cross the road?
     Answer: Don't be stupid! Chickens don't cross the road in Singapore.

4)       Shortly after Christmas, the teacher of a grade-school class announced that if they wanted to, each child would be given the opportunity to tell about ONE special gift they had received.

        The first little girl stood and said "I got a Bow-Wow from my Daddy. The teacher addressed the class and sternly told them that they were certainly old enough to know and use the correct names for things, and that she didn't want to hear any more baby talk.  She then asked the little girl if she could think of another word for her gift, one that grown-ups would use.

        The little girl replied, "I got a puppy-dog from my Daddy." The teacher praised her lavishly and went on to the next child, a boy. "I got a Choo-Choo for Christmas." he beamed. Again the teacher chided the little tyke, and asked him to think of another  name to describe his gift. "I got an Electric Train for Christmas!" he said after mulling it over. The teacher praised him for his efforts.

        The next little boy, a normally very quiet kid, stood, said "I got a book." and sat down. Seeing an opportunity to draw him out a little, the teacher asked "And what was the title of your book?" The little guy hesitated, and then, with a serious face and a knitted brow began obvious mental efforts.  After a couple of minutes of deep thinking  his face brightened and he replied, "Winnie The Shit."

3)    Man walks into a film theatre with an elephant. Usher says: Hey! you can't bring an elephant in here! Man is mad. Goes
out, comes back 5 minutes later with the elephant. Elephant has a slice of bread in each ear. Usher says: Are you deaf?? I told you, no elephants!! Man : Are you gonna tell me what I can put in my sandwiches??

2)    Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate  "Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese." "How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?" "Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."

1)>>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake
>>>while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience
>>>doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew
>>>he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the
>>>performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said
>>>"Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class
>>>conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
>>>
>>>After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra
>>>too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage,
>>>only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized
>>>bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not
>>>retiring."
>>>
>>>Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of
>>>conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night
>>>with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would
>>>you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear", she said, and he
>>>rolled over and went to sleep.
>>>
>>>Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the
>>>small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had
>>>finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my
>>>retirement for the second time. This is my last performance."
>>>
>>>The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted "You can't
>>>be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the
>>>tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the
>>>conductor was taken away.
>>>
>>>Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to
>>>the charge of first-degree murder?", the judge inquired. "Guilty
>>>your honour", the conductor replied. "Do you realise that the
>>>sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by
>>>electricution?",the  judge added. The conductor thought for a
>>>moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better
>>>than continuing on like he was. "Yes your honour", the conductor
>>>said.
>>>
>>>While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came
>>>to the conductor and said "You may have one last request before we
>>>terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few
>>>seconds,the conductor replied "A silver platter with a dozen
>>>bananas."  His request was granted, and the conductor scoffed the
>>>bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The
>>>conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was
>>>about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived
>>>the chair and the law says we have to let him go."
>>>
>>>The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager
>>>and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work", his manager
>>>said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again
>>>one night with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade?"
>>>"Yes dear", she replied.
>>>
>>>At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the
>>>concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third
>>>time, I'm annoucing my retirement!", he yelled. The conductor took
>>>out the grenade,pulled the pin,and threw it into the audience.The
>>>grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd.The police
>>>arrived, and he  was taken away again.
>>>
>>>"You again?",the judge asked,"I thought I'd sentenced you to death
>>>not long ago?"  The conductor shrugged.
>>>"Ok,how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?", the judge
>>>said. "Guilty to all counts", the conductor replied.
>>>
>>>While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current
>>>going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last reuqest.
>>>"A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scoffed
>>>the bananas the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It
>>>appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time,but their fears
>>>were realised when the conductor regained consciousness as they
>>>were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized
>>>bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. "Back to
>>>work."
>>>
>>>The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could take.
>>>
>>>"Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?", he asked his wife as
>>>they lay in bed.  "Yes dear", she replied.
>>>
>>>It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait for
>>>the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed,
>>>and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing
>>>all 190 odd band members.The army was called in this time, and he
>>>was dragged away.
>>>
>>>"Good grief, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!", the judge
>>>roared. The conductor just shrugged.
>>>
>>>"May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?"
>>>
>>>"Guilty as sin!", the conductor screamed, "the ****** deserved it!"
>>>The conductor was hauled away.
>>>
>>>A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that
>>>there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities'
>>>electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they
>>>could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted
>>>a  last request. "Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said.
>>>
>>>He scoffed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the
>>>electric chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres
>>>away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through
>>>the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body.
>>>
>>>His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being
>>>lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid.
>>>Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive!
>>>
>>>He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and
>>>asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you
>>>do it?"
>>>"I've tried telling people before", he said.
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>>>"I'm just a bad conductor."