Jokes

--A man will always be generous before his beloved.

--For a man, a woman can be late, but not the bus.

--A wife who can cook may have her husband’s stomach but not his heart.

--Man always separates love and marriage into two entities instead of one.

--Women seek for their happiness, men seek for women’s happiness.

--When a man has a woman in his arms, he has another in his mind.

--A man can survive multi-love at one time, but a woman can only have mono-love.

--Boring love gets old fast.

--Marriage is - getting each other’s needs.

--Fools will seek for pure love.

--A man seeks for a girlfriend before marriage, but escapes from his wife after marriage.

--Marriage is - at least the one gamble that you have to take in your life.

--The only victory in love is - escape.

--The husband says, "You can hate me I don’t mind. But my money is innocent."

--However ugly a woman maybe, there is always a beautiful side of her.

--Women like to boast about their ex-boyfriends but never boast about their ex-husbands.

--Men like to have a romantic and wild lover, but prefer a more conservative wife.

--Men like to go after women whom they can boast and women like to attach to guys who boast about them.

--Men’s memory is for work, women’s memory is for marriage.

--When men meet, they talk to each other. When women meet, they scrutinize each other.

--Life is like women, you never know what you gonna get.

--Couples in deep love do not need any topic to talk about.

--A man is always afraid of marrying a sickly woman, because he will not be able to enjoy being pampered.

--If a man always give you flowers, he may sees you as a vase.

--Love is like a cheque, although you have the cheque, you may not have the cash.

--Women who like to sway their butt usually do not have an attractive face.

--To let a woman hates you is much more easier than making her loves you.

--Love is just a heap of illusion plus a bit of romance.

--When a woman loves a man, she wants to be his wife. When a man loves a woman, he only wants to be her lover.

--If women are books, then most men would prefer reading than buying them.

--If marriage is a deal then love is the bet.

--Unrefined men will always attract refined women.

--A man listens because he wants to listen. A woman talks because she doesn’t wants to listen.

--Women often marry a man that they don’t really love.

--Since nobody is perfect in this world, how could there be perfect marriage?

--Words of love are just like words written on the beach.

--A man gets married because he wants to prove himself.

--Men despise women, actually, women despise women even more.

--Eventhough women are love animals, they can be extremely heartless sometimes.

--Women will always say, "I am one year older than last year." but you’ll never know how old she was last year.

--Marriage is like the tyres of a bicycle, they can never withstand too much pressure.

--Men like to gawk at women, so do women.

--In love, women will stop at the sense of sight, but men will only stop at the sense of touch.

--Without an unrefined husband, how can you see a refined wife?

--Men look at women because women like men to look at them. But men do not look at some women because their taste ain’t so bad.

How Universities Grade Their Final Exams

DEPT OF STATISTICS:

- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:

- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:

- All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELIGION:

- Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:

- What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:

- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:

- Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:

- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:

- Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:

- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:

- Everybody gets an A. ( I wish I was here)

DEPT OF Finance:

- Each student must invest in stock market and the one who get the highest ROA will get an A

DEPT OF Accounting:

- Whoever can balance the Balance Sheet and skip the IRS will get an A.

God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from sun up to sun down, carring heavy bags on your back, you'll eat grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be an DONKEY!

The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.

God created the dog and told him: You will look after the men house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG!

The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10. God gave him 10 years.

God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years.

The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. And God agreed.

Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.

The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years that the monkey refused.

That was what God did, and since then, Man live 20 years like a man, the he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat, butter side up, and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why do they call it "Building" when it has already been built?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, it is considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?

Why doesn’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?