Fastest Man Three boys are in the school's yard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can shoot an arrow and starts to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow." The second boy says, "Ha! You think that's fast. My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and gets there before the bullet." The third one listens to the first two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops work at 5pm and he is home by 4:15pm."

Scape"snails" A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself,       "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed,       "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said,       "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

high or low density." Ah Gong was sitting with a bucket full of water. He was having a floppy box in his hand. He started putting the floppies one by one into the water and was watching. When asked what was his intention of putting the floppies into the water, Ah Gong replied,     "Oyo, I am just checking if these floppies are of high density or low density."

Saddest Story Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, "let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way." So Bill start telling jokes.At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Hygienic This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem. The vet says. "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the cows eyes will straighten out." The vet - a 70-year-old man - inserts the pipe and blows. The cow's eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again. The vet looks at the farmer - a young healthy man - and says, "You look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try?" The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cow's ass, turns it around, and sticks it backs in. He then begins to blow. "Holy smokes," says the vet. "What in the hell did you do that for?" The farmer replies, "You don't think I am gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had yours on."

Second Language Mrs. Mouse and her three little mice were crossing the street. Suddenly, a large cat appeared right in front of them. Everyone froze. Mrs. Mouse stared at the cat. The cat locked eyes with Mrs. Mouse, her little mice shuddering behind her. Mrs. Mouse opened her mouth and Roared         "WOOF! "WOOF!" The cat turned tail and ran away as fast as he could. Mrs. Mouse turned to her three little ones and said "See, I told you how important it is to learn a second language!"

A Secret At a dinner party several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so," responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."