Link to More mail from readers (added Oct 9,1999)
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Thank You for your Evaluation Form. I have recently shared
it with the couples in our Young Couples Class at Church. It will
be interesting to get the feedback from them.
Keep up the great work. Your homepage is easy to get around and
it is refreshing to have material and articles, such as you
provide, on the net.
Thank you,
Alberta, Canada
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Subject: sibling rivalry
One note: your page,
http://www.singnet.com.sg/~joannesm/FAM2.HTM is titled "Sibling
Revelry" instead of what I think you want to say, "Sibling
Rivalry"
Next (more important): I have a pregnant friend whose first child
will be 14 months old when the new baby arrives. She has not been
able to find any information on how to deal with/prepare such a
young child for the arrival of a new baby. Everything she has
found is about older children. Do you have any specific advice
about an older sibling who is less than a year and a half older
than the second child?
Thanks.
Charlotte, USA
******* FamilyLink Replies *****
Firstly, Sibling Revelry was used as a play on the word Revelry
as opposed to Rivalry. We need to see sibling conflicts as part
of growing up and turn it as far as possible into revelry.
Secondly, I have some advice from people I know of who have quite
similar circumstances as your friend.
1) Prepare the older sibling by talking to the child about the
coming baby - saying positive and nice things that will happen
when the baby comes.
2) Prepare little gifts, wrapped up and hidden away which will be
given when the older child gets cranky and want undue attention
while you are attending to the younger.
3) When the baby comes, put the baby on the lap of the older
child (making sure that the older child is sitting safely on a
sofa or bed). This moment allows the older sibling to build a
bond with the younger.
I hope this would help. thanks for writing.
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I am a working mother of a 3 and half year old "high maintenance" child who impulsively have temper tantrums of
screaming outburst, kicking, for no reason or usually when he
insist on getting his way. He is a challenge not only for his
parents but the preschool he attends as well. He has just begun a
new school and the second and third days he has been sent on with
notes to us regarding his disruptive behavior. I know he does not
adjust well to change so we have been preparing and building him
up with expectations to attend his new school.
I am writing to request some suggestions on how to effective deal
with this behavior, not only us but his teachers as well.
thanks
USA
******* FamilyLink Replies *****
I presume that this child is the only child in the family. (?)
Being the only child in the family means he has been receiving
lots of attention from you. As he grows older he may still
selfishly warrant your attention as before. Throwing tantrums is
the way he knows how to get that attention.
I know it is difficult but try to ignore his tantrum if it occurs
without reason (maybe bring him to a safe room /place so that he
would not hurt himself) and tell him you will speak to him only
after he has calmed down. Then leave him till he realises he
needs to calm down.
I also understand that you are a working mother, just like me,
and often when we come home we are rather stressed out and tired.
So our tolerance level for 'wild behaviour' from our children is
rather low. Perhaps it is good to de-stress yourself before
opening your front door or picking your child (framing a mental
picture in your mind that you are relax may help) I often whisper
a prayer to God and lift my work burdens to Him before I step
into my home. It helps.
I pray that your child will grow out of the 'tantrum phase' as
you persevere in love in training him.
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I am a senior in High School in Marietta.
I am writing a paper for my Bible class on communication in
marriage and how to keep on going. I was wondering if you had
anymore information on the subject? I have printed out all the
info on your web page. Do you know anywhere else that has similar
Christian based ideas? I would appreciate anything you can give
me on the subject.
My research is due in a week or so, but please do not feel rushed.
As soon as you have a spare moment, I would love to hear from you.
Thanks so much, Your sister in Christ,
USA
******* FamilyLink Replies *****
I found some links which might help you in your research paper:
http://www.mindchurch.org/family/ (good site)
http://www.ChristianAnswers.Net/menu-af1.html
http://www.reapernet.com/low_bandwidth/bo/adults/hb/quiettim.html
I hope you find them useful.
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My baby is 13 months old and appears to have temper
tantrums. I say appears because I have never dealt with this. She
will awake several times between 9:00pm and 12:00 and want to be
picked up and held. If these demands are not met she began to
scream and clench fist and stomp her feet and this will last
about a hour or so. We have recently taken her off the pacifier.
USA
******* FamilyLink Replies *****
From what I can gather, your child seems to want her pacifier.
Perhaps you can try giving her an alternative like something to
cuddle or hug. An observation of her day time activities would
also help as what she experience during the day may affect her
sleep.
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Response to a query from a reader in US.
Received you query. From your note, I presume your daughter
was not working before or was she? In the Bible, there is no
specific rule that a woman cannot work outside the home in order
to support her family. On the other hand, the primary caregiver
in the home is the woman especially when the children are young.
With this, my advice would be to sit down with your daughter and
discuss these matters with her - from the financial side to all
the other factors such as being with the children and training
them in the Lord.
If financially speaking, the family can support her through this
period of a few years till the children are older and she is
willing to do so, then being a homemaker would be a blessing to
her and the children. During this time too, she might want to
upgrade herself by learning some useful skills to help her find a
suitable job later. A flexi job in future would also help her in
being available as a single mom to her children.
May the Lord guide and lead you and your family through this time.
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Response to a query from a reader, a nurse from California, who wants some help in teaching communication to a family especially between a father and his 12 year old son.
To give you some help, I will let my husband share some of his
thoughts as we too have a son who is 12.
===========================
It is not easy for a father when his son reaches the age of
puberty to try to communicate at the same level as they did
before (that is presumably that there was some sort of
communication). Building communication is not an overnight affair
but a lifetime of consistent effort. What I can advise is what I
am trying to do myself and my sharing is from the father's
perspective. So it is of primary importance that you teach the
father of your family to take the lead.
1) Learn to walk in the son's shoes - try to think back when you
were his age. What kind of thoughts, attitudes, habits and
actions did you have? Trying to understand the mental and
emotional make up of an adolescent is important before beginning
any good communication.
2) Reduce commands, increase advice/suggestions with reasons. The
boy is coming to an age where commands alone do not mean as much
as they did when he was younger. Now he wants to question why and
what for. Certain rules still apply for his safety but these
should be few. Give more timely advice and suggestions.
3) Listen, listen and listen again - this is the toughest. Teens
do need a listening ear esp from an understanding adult. What
more his father - if we model Christ before them daily, His
listening heart in us will be sufficient to attract them to open
up.
If the father is really serious about communicating, the above
three principles are the steps in the right direction. Above all
else, pray much for prayer is a vital key to human communication
as our Maker will heal and woo hearts to reconcile.
=================================
I hope the above advice from my husband will help. It is my
sincere prayer that you can truly minister to this family.
**********Readers' Reply************
I am just starting the teaching part of my home visits, and the
advice that you and your husband have given to me will help me a
great deal.
Thank you once again
(3rd year nursing student)
More mail from readers (added Oct 9,1999)
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