Link to More mail from readers (added July 18, 2001)
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My son is 10 years old and is hyperactive. Sometimes when he gets something into his mind, he can't get it out. For example, if he wants to videotape Star Trek but his brother is using the video recorder, he has a tantrum because he wants the whole series on tape. I will try in the future to help him verbalize his feelings. Is there anything else I can do?
USA
******* FamilyLink Replies *****
From what I gather from your query, this behaviour of your
child has been
occurring since he was young. Am I right? If so, it would be tough
going.
Hyperactivity can have many root causes ranging from biological
to
emotional reasons. You would need to trace as far back as
possible to the
first time your child has these tantrums and see if you can
determine the
cause.
Sometimes, as parents we tend to dote on the younger (second)
child by
giving in to his wants more readily. This can give rise to
behaviour
tantrums if the child does not get what he wants.
I have seen it in my daughter who is the younger of the two. What
I did was to discipline her
and help her understand that not all things that she want she can
get.
Playing the 'taking turns' game is helpful sometimes.
I hope what I shared has been helpful.
May God help you and your husband to raise godly kids.
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Help! my child is doing this since she was 1 year old.
I can afford to put her in day-care while I shop. I wanted her to see Santa, so I took her to the mall and Santa was going on break for an hour's lunch. She threw herself down with my winter coat and hers. She was slippery like being in a bathtub.
Funny thing is everyone laughed at her. All I said was "That's why she will never have a sister or brother. But this bothers me since I have a sister who is a year older than me and our mom took us to stores, but she swears we never acted like this and so does my husband's mom said he was an angel in the stores. So why does my daughter act like this - what am I doing wrong???
And where did she learn how to act like this - especially throwing-up her arms? It makes it so hard to grab her!!! Desperately seeking help!!
USA
******* FamilyLink Replies *****
It seems to me your child wants attention. Perhaps you can see
what her need really is - have you been providing her quality
time or hugs (physical touch)? Or affirmative words ?
These done regularly would lessen her need of your attention. If you have provided these then perhaps warn her that when she goes out with you and throws a tantrum in public, you will discipline her by marching her straight home for example.
I hope these suggestions would help.
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Hello...Read your info on temper tantrums...but still somewhat at a loss for what to do.
Little Robin 21/2... aside from "normal" tantrums .....in the midst of a temper tantrum in the car will/is able to get out of her car seat....or before leaving will not get into her car seat and it is almost impossible to get her to go or put her in. And the "getting out" while driving is scary.
HELP any suggestions. Thank You
USA
******* FamilyLink Replies *****
Rules of behaviour with their consequences of misbehaviour need
to be fully conveyed before setting out in the car. From what I
gather, your daughter needs to go with you wherever /whenever you
travel in your car, am I right?
If not, then not taking her out when she throws a tantrum may help her understand the need to behave. If she needs to be with you, then if possible, have another adult with you to help restrain her when you are driving. If not, you might have to stop somewhere to deal with her ( some form of physical punishment - a quick swap to remind her to behave).
It's not easy but consistent and loving discipline with much prayer will see change in her behaviour. Do also look at the reasons/cause of her tantrums - sometimes it is not due to wilful disobedience.
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As a psychologist, I disagree with your advice to
ignore a temper tantrum. Often times, a calm and
understanding voice will help the child with resolving his/her
inner struggle. Even stroking the child's back, if he/she allows,
can cut down on the time and intensity of the temper tantrum
USA
******* FamilyLink Replies *****
Yes, being physically present and comforting is helpful at times.
Discernment is needed to choose the method to use when confronted with a tantrum.
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I'm very upset at this moment. My son has been attending a new day care and it happens to be my sister in laws. Her sons both yell and scream at her.
Well today at at the pool he threw a major fit by screaming because he could not have his pacifier while in the pool.
I put him in time out but he continued to get worse, so I packed our belongings and went home. When we got home I told him to go to his room and sit on his bed until he could be nice to me so we could talk. I then went into my room and cried, because his original day care provider is no longer watching children and he loved her. She was so patient and loving to him and all the children. I've never seen such outburst from him until the last two weeks
Can you please give me some advice?
USA
******* FamilyLink Replies *****
Your son is adjusting to a new day care center .
You are right to put him in time out and bringing him home when he still refuse to calm down. I suggest that during an appropriate time you explain to him that yelling and screaming will not be tolerated. Tell him the consequences of this unacceptable behaviour and be prepared to carry out those consequences when the behaviour erupts. It may take a few episodes but he will come round to obeying you. Meantime, I know it can be very stressful - ask God for strength and wisdom in parenting His way.
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your page is great .......short and sweet and informative. I never thought I'd be studying up on temper tantrums for my 5-year-old. Thanks a bunch!
USA
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My 16 month old daughter has temper tantrums and passes out. She holds her breath and passes out. She is out for max 15 seconds but yesterday she did it and was out for minutes and began to turn blue and go into small convulsions.
What should I do and is this normal?
USA
******* FamilyLink Replies *****
This is a very unusual case for a 16 month old. I suggest a
medical examination should be done to ascertain whether there are
any physical complications involved. Turning blue and convulsions
are symptoms of deeper physical problems.
Dealing with her temper tantrums can be done after
ascertaining that there are no physical complications.
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I have a four year old that throws horrible tantrums.
He shouts things at us while he's screaming and keeps it up for at least 45 minutes to an hour. He started this at 20 months old and hasn't let up yet. If we tell him no he just freaks out. We put him in his room until he quits but he usually throws things against the wall or kicks the door.
Ignoring this is impossible because he will destroy our walls and doors. Any Advice?
USA
******* FamilyLink Replies *****
I believe you need to look at the cause of his tantrums.
Some possible causes:
1) Spoiling of child by other care-givers. Is there anyone else in your home that spends significant time with your child other than yourself? The person might have unknowingly gave in to all your child's whims without disciplining the child.
2) Is the child in daycare ? Tantrums can be a way of wanting attention from you.
3) Medical or biological reason. Too much of certain drugs, medication or preservatives in foods, sweets have been known to trigger outbursts in children.
4) Consistent discipline - this is a toughie. If you are lenient one day and strict another, the child would be confused and react in tantrums on your strict days. If all the above are not the reasons, then a swift swap to your child's behind may be the answer to give a strong signal that such violent tantrums are not tolerated.
Hope the above helps. Keep consistently in your discipline, the child will grow out of this phase.
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Do you have any suggestions for a 10 year old girl who has major temper tantrums when she is tired. Obviously we try to avoid her getting that tired but with school and hobbies it is not always possible. She has suggested she needs professional help but I am not sure that is the answer, I feel if she can suggest this mid-tantrum she must have more control over her behaviour than she is letting on.
USA
******* FamilyLink Replies *****
It is quite unusual for a ten year old to have major tantrums. They do get angry, sulk and/or cry but usually they come around to reason and discipline. Perhaps a heart to heart talk with her to set a precedence as regards to how her tantrum will be dealt with in future if it occurs will help.
When the tantrum occurs, then you can deal with it as agreed by both of you - your child and yourself. Another possible check if you want to, is to determine whether there is any medical /biological reason for her tantrum. There are cases such as preservatives, food additives that can affect a child's behaviour.
I hope the above will help you.
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I am wondering what types of discipline should I use with my teenage sons. I find that if I ground a child he is not really forgiven until the grounding time has expired.
USA
******* FamilyLink Replies *****
Disciplining teens is not as easy as children below 12. They are too old to spank and too young to be totally independent.
Removing of certain privileges and cutting allowance might work for some but the most important thing is to appeal to the teen's sense of right and wrong and teaching to make choices and take responsibility. Perhaps a way would be to come to an agreed form of discipline with the teen so that if he misbehave then he knows the consequence.
Forgiveness should be separate from having to take the consequence of one's action i.e. the teen is forgiven but he still needs to take the discipline in order that he will remember (this discipline then becomes a training process).
My husband and I too have a teenage son. We emphatise with your difficulty. One of the agreed discipline that my son knows he will face is that if he misbehaves, he will not get to use the computer for games (which is he current interest).
May God bless you richly as you parent your teens to godly men.
More mail from readers (added July 18, 2001)
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