June 21, 2000

1.50am. I am typing this mail in my home kitchen (Cheras). That's the good thing about having a laptop. ;)

Watched a good Astro show just now. Very thought-provoking, I must say. There was this policeman who had a good family of three (a wife & a son). He was enjoying a great marriage, with a caring and understanding wife. Till a time when he was assigned to protect a gorgeous young woman, who was a witness of a murder. Day in day out, he was escorting her as a body guard. Slowly, there was a little sparks between them, but they managed to suppress their urge to further pursue any romance in view of his family commitment.

It came a day when the woman got threatened by the murderer. She was told that she would be killed if she ever stood out to pin point the real culprit. So she eventually abandoned her intention to identify the murderer, and she got very upset and fearful about the whole issue. On that very night, the policeman came to see the woman. A very emotional argument took place. After a few fight, cool down and hug, they started to kiss. Initially, there was a bit of reluctance on his side, but the temptation was too great to resist. They made love to each other after that.

Usually, when we have once, we don't mind to have another, and another and another. Their relationship grew. At first, he was apprehensive, but was unwilling to face the reality. Everytime he just followed his heart and constantly returned to see her. They were both 'in love'. One day, his wife found out about the affair. She was totally torn by the discovery. In fury, she said, "Either you get out of that case, or you don't come home." He felt very sorry, but still returned to see her on that night. He was really confused on how to make a choice. Both women needed him, but the new romance did prove to be more exciting. After all, what is there to compare with a 10 year marriage? So, for a while, he had to see and talk to his son secretly. The family had fallen apart.

Eventually, his wife and son got kidnapped by the murderer, because of his involvement in the police case. Everything was in great tension, with his son under the gun point of the murderer. After a heated struggle, and a near escape, the murderer was killed, and they three were hugging each other. The last scene was touching, and the young woman eventually bit the bullet and let him go back to his family.

After watching the show, I was shaking my head. Had he the courage to resist the first temptation, he would have saved the two women a broken heart, and his family an unnecessary threat. One wrong move and he got all the punishment he deserved. But then, being a man, I know how tempting it could be, hugging such an attractive young woman who was in great fear and craving for protection. It just brought the best out of the man. So was his sexual desire. When we let our instinct take over, the rest is automatic.

Two years ago, when I was in Canada, I did ponder over this issue. That was before I traveled up to visit a female friend of mine. We were supposed to go camping together, sleeping in the same tent. That was what made me apprehensive. I wanted to avoid making any big mistake out of impulse. On one hand, I wouldn't mind, esp. when all my other guy housemates had confessed to me their affairs during their stay in Toronto. Free sex is pretty common in overseas, you see. On another hand, I knew I shouldn't. So I eventually chose to listen to my conscience, our higher level of mental activity, instead of my lowly instinct. And the solution that I came out was pretty common sense --- avoid any suggestive scenario. Ultimately, our camping trip had been a fun and peaceful one. I even made her my god sister after that. :)

Sometimes I really appreciate the value brought about by religion. In Christianity, we have the 10 Commandments. I used to take it very negatively, since it took away my right to pursue a Christian girl. ;p But come to think of it, religions do serve an indispensable purpose. But this doesn't mean that all free thinkers are great sinners. In my opinion, as long as we learn the essence of religion, such as the fact that its regular self-group meeting and church session are meant to serve as a constant remind, we will be alright. That explains why I insist on reading self-introspective book on a regular basis, to prevent myself from making unnecessary blunders along the way.

I do believe in culturing one's mind to bring the best out of his nature. God has His reason to establish a marriage institution. By suppressing our instinct, it is not that we are depriving ourselves from the joys of answering nature's call. It's about delayed gratification. We will get to enjoy it after our marriage. That's why I have made it very clear to myself that there should be no sex before engagement. While it is true that a handful of our traditional perceptions on marriage are now obsolete, it is also true that some of them are not. I just cannot imagine how would my wife feel, if she has stayed virgin for her marriage while I have not. Of course, some may say that guys have the advantage of getting away from being caught. But I am of the belief that is well described by a Chinese proverb:

One way or another, a lie will be discovered. More so for a period of a lifetime! Given such situation, a wise man would always choose to live in a transparent tube.

There is yet another issue which I was provoked by the show to think over. How can we keep our marriage alive, after years of immersion in our daily chores? How can we fend off external temptation that seems too great to resist? Finding the right answer is itself an ongoing struggle. One way I can think of right now is to learn more about ourselves. What are our fundamental needs that drive our behaviour? As what Scott Peck pointed out, the feeling of falling in 'love' is meant to lock us into a marriage. After it has served the purpose, the feeling would just fade away. But then how come the policeman had another round of falling in love? Didn't he already have one? To explain this from a biological point of view, it is all about 'spreading our seed' as widely as possible. A typical pro-creation bahaviour.

If that is the case, we should be able to understand that the feeling of being in love is itself an illusion. It is transient, no matter how long we want it to stay. But it feels damn good at the time of being. So, isn't it a good thing to have it again and again and again? The answer is yes, if you want to take the other side of the coin as well --- suffering again and again and again. The harm that we cause, the guilt feeling, the emptiness of not having a family, and the loneliness at old age are but some examples of the misery that comes with the temporary joys. The saints have all understood this, and have since come out with lots of similar advice reminding us to follow the right path to a lifelong happiness.

So, meanwhile, I should just get myself immersed with the thinking of the saints, and not make all the mistakes by myself.

For the kind of fulfillment a marriage can offer, all kinds of struggle is justified. To my future wife, "Let's fight for a better tomorrow!"

Till then.

A truthful sharing,

Yin Choon