True Intimacy

Sept 17, 2000

by Dr. Les Parrot III and Dr. Leslie Parrot

"I hear a lot about the importance of intimacy for building a
successful marriage, and I'd like to know whether we have
much of it in our relationship. However, I'm not so sure I
really know what intimacy is. could you explain or define
intimacy for me?" 

    An intimate relationship, in its simplest form, is simply
being close. It is the opposite of distance or standing apart.
Intimacy involves a sharing and uncovering of selves. The
word intimate is derived from the Latin word intimus,
meaning "inmost." Couple who are intimate tell one another
their private thoughts, dreams insecurities, and triumphs;
they know a great deal about one another. Lillian Rubin,
author of Intimate Strangers, expresses it this way:
"Intimacy is some kind of reciprocal expression of feeling
and thought, not out of fear or dependent need, but one of a
wish to know another's inner life and to be able to share
one's own." 

    An intimate relationship is a committed relationship. The
partners involved in it are committed to one another's
well-being. Intimate couples trust one another and are willing
to make sacrifices for one another. One way of summing up
the intimate relationship is to say that it is the epitome of
empathy. Partners in an intimate marriage have an ability to
feel what the other is feeling and know what he or she is
needing. 

"If we want more intimacy in our marriage, what is the most
important thing we can be doing?"

    We tend to think of love and intimacy on a grand
scale for better, for worse; till death do us part -- and
we associate it with life's big moments. We plan birthday
parties, produce holiday celebrations, and get romantic on
anniversaries. These loving gestures help maintain a
marriage because they acknowledge the importance of your
relationship. But there's another kind of acknowledgment,
requiring far less effort, that can pay even larger dividends:
It's the small affectionate gesture. 

    Why is it that so many couples neglect affectionate
gestures? Mostly because they have become too
comfortable with each other -- taking each other for granted. 

    Intimacy is also built on conversations filled with
supportive questions, tag questions such as "Do you
agree?" and "What do you think?" Little questions like these
open the conversation to the other person's views. 

    One of the most important things that a couple can do to
build intimacy is to intentionally reconnect after being apart.
This is accomplished with a small gesture of support that
says "It's good to see you." It is communicated not in words,
but with the eyes. We all know how good it feels to walk into
someone's presence and have them look up and smile, and
how awful it is if he or she is preoccupied or negative. This
kind of preoccupation dampens kindness and suffocates
intimacy. 

    Underlying every affectionate gesture, no matter how
small, is respect. Grand gestures on significant occasions
mark the passage of time. But little gestures that sweeten
the moment show respect. In these moments we discover
the heart of intimacy and feel the warmth of a loving
connection. 

Home

Updated: 24th June 2002

©Copyright 2002, Ng Yin Choon