Flowers that colour our life

*An extract taken from a letter to my beloved English teacher.

Uncertainty            

Jan 21, 2001

Well, to be honest, there is one more thing which takes up a large chunk of my time -- preparation for courtship. As I told you, there is this girl from NUS, Winnie, whom I have been keeping in touch with. In fact, I just went out with her this evening, doing dinner together and chatting till 10 something at night in the park. She is one of the rare friends with whom I can chat on anything under the sun. I just find her such a good companion in life.

Of course, occasionally, we do have some minor dispute on our style of communication. She is a pisces (born in March). She tends to wander away from a topic easily (may be most girls do that). Sometimes it would take me so long to finish one single point, as the conversation would beat about the bush before hitting back to the target. However, during such a off-the-course conversation, we always cover a lot of ground on other aspect of life as well. So, I've learnt that as long as we get to know each other more, it doesn't matter what the means are.

I call this a special friendship that we are enjoying. We have already passsed the first stage of courtship, where mutual attraction is expressed. We are now in the second stage, where uncertainty rules. For the past few days, she has been trying to sense my receptivity for her. But I was being true to myself, not wanting to commit at this stage when I am still not sure if she is really the one. So she goes with my pace, treating me like a friend. A close one, though, as we tend to touch each other unconsciously. Just that we don't hold our hands when we walk, nor do we hug each other when we say goodbye. It seems like a pure friendship, but deep down inside, we both want this relationship to work out. We are pacing ourselves to build a strong foundation. It's like the pillars of a relationship.

But trust me, the temptation can get pretty strong at times. I don't know how do girls feel. All I have heard is that guys have got 10 - 20 times more testosterone than girls. It takes a lot of consciousness to put out the fire within. Sometimes I just feel so much like touching her arms and legs.... but yet, I don't find it appropriate. Like what I told her, if not because of my head, I would have long fallen for her. But my experience tells me that I shouldn't jump into a relationship when I am still not sure of what I really want. Just pray hard that God would recognise such conscientious efforts from the two of us.

While we were shopping just now, I bounced into one of our Chong Hwa juniors. I was not very comfortable when he tried to look at Winnie secretively, as if scrutinising every detail of her appearence. Even Winnie felt the same way. That was really a strange feeling for me. It was a mix of delight and unease. Delight in a sense that I have got a potential girl friend whom I can hang out with. Unease in a sense that I don't know what he would think of me, and what he would spread the words around among the juniors. Guess this is part of the price of being a well-connected person. But I know deep down inside that I won't give it a damn. After all, who is responsible for my own happiness if not myself?! A quote put it very aptly, "Don't worry so much about what others think of you, they are not thinking of you that much! It's true."

Frankly, I don't know how long this kind of blissful feeling of having her around would last. I have been trying hard not to make it too sweet, such that it could better stand the test of time. Guess I am matured and experienced enough not to merely act on my impulse and rush into things. Easy come, easy go... soonest hot soonest cold. I'd rather let the feeling grows, than to have it so strong initially and see it die down subsequently. In fact, I did make the feeling sweet at first, but I was so shocked when it could just go like that, without any sign of warning.

So, now the roller coaster ride is over, we are back to normal to build a strong friendship so that if ever we go into a relationship, all the fundamentals are there to see us through the trial and tribulation of a courtship. What Stephen Tan, the author of 'Inspiration', said is right. It's a time of investigation, not a time of intimacy. It's more important to build a meaningful communication and mutual understanding than to shower each other with blind passion.

Slow and steady win the race. That said, I am not putting a lot of hope on it. Just feel like enjoying her company in life. Sometimes, the feeling inside is so strong that I want to tell her how much I like her. But again, it is not the time yet. Shall continue to be patient, and I am sure nature would take its own course. Let's just keep the option open and let the future unfolds itself. Whatever it turns out to be, I am game enough for the outcome.

~ Signing off at 2.00 am

Home

Updated: 24th June 2002

©Copyright 2002, Ng Yin Choon