앤즐르 - 죄송합니다, 사랑해요
미안해요, 자꾸 배 쫄랑거리다 .
저는 정말 안사랑 그소녀.
유능하다 분간하다 저는 허식하다 한국말 ?
하하...
사랑,
유알칠앴씨
저는 정말 안사랑 그소녀.
유능하다 분간하다 저는 허식하다 한국말 ?
하하...
사랑,
유알칠앴씨
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Monday, February 07, 2005
I Never Stopped Loving You.
Indeed.
But the distance was good.
I learnt things i never knew abt.
I know i hurt u much deeper than i know u can ever to me.
I am sorry i cannot move on. I cant.
The fact that i wanted the break up does not change the fact that i could not get over u just as well.
Perhaps now, u have moved on, while i really stopped where i was simply turning to a new direction.
I dun dare to ask for more with you though i am tempted to. I am sorry.
Perhaps i am still not man enough for you.
I am sorry I read ur blogs... I just wanted to be near u. Its comforting to read abt u.
But the distance was good.
I learnt things i never knew abt.
I know i hurt u much deeper than i know u can ever to me.
I am sorry i cannot move on. I cant.
The fact that i wanted the break up does not change the fact that i could not get over u just as well.
Perhaps now, u have moved on, while i really stopped where i was simply turning to a new direction.
I dun dare to ask for more with you though i am tempted to. I am sorry.
Perhaps i am still not man enough for you.
I am sorry I read ur blogs... I just wanted to be near u. Its comforting to read abt u.
I Think I Am Screwed.
Yes I think i am, and its not a good sense again. Its never a good thing.
I am in shit.
The mortal found out that i have been reading her blog. All thanks to a friend whom i consider buddy.
I read from the mortal's blog that this friend went out with her. And they talked. So naturally, i called this friend to ask. We talked and i heard from her hopeless words... of how impossible it is... how terrible... i really wondered if she made any effort at all in being gentle, or has she taken scolding me as a chance to get back at me for breaking hearts of girls she feel for.
I shouldnt be her punching bag. I thought i am her friend. Instead of being one to me, she whacked me emotionally.
In her reply to my email, she sounded so pleased in being right that i was wrong. She sounded so "I-Told-You-So". And she seem to take care in blaming my every action. She typed in Capital letters the word REBOUND. Eventhough i was the one who told her another fren told me it was a rebound relationship, she replied that it was "logic", any other relationship being in shortly after another is one. She is so unsympathetic. Not that i deserved sympathy, but she could have been nicer.
If she were in the same boat, i would have endeavoured to be kinder. Clearly, if she could be in a rebound relationship, she needed more care to heal... but i dun understand why she isnt as merciful.
She said she was grumpy, down with flu and all that. But it is no excuse to take this chance and pull a friend like this to bully. She is a single girl, unattached and ocasionally complaining to me abt being single and lonely, each time, i listened, and remained patient to her. So this time, i hurt a girl's heart, who is she? Superwoman? Its up to her to beat me up for justice sake? Who is she to judge?
Look, friend. I dont think i will ever make as much effort as before to be so kind to u. Just like u, my kindness level will be subject to my moods. i dont think u deserve better treatment anymore. I will treat u as u treated me. Thanks for being a buddy of that type.
Back to the story abt how the mortal know abt me reading her blog. This friend whom i called to find out more abt the outing asked how i knew abt it. I told her that i read the mortal's blog. So now this friend knows right?
But she SMSthe mortal saying that I know abt the outing.
And the mortal called back asking how i could know... and then finally decided that i could only know by reading her blog.
Eventhough this friend knows how i know abt the outing, she STILL sms her that simple msg to tell. Why the need to? She directly lead the mortal to this important piece of information.
She just killed my only link to stand silently by my lover and see how she is.
Now the mortal has removed the link of the blog to her personal info page. Means she now will have a clean track for future blogs, making it extremely difficult to trace. Stalker? Perhaps. But its less of one. Would u rather i follow her ard to see how she is?
I just wanted to know how she is and how she feels.
And now that so much has happened to this blog thing, and i keep calling up this friend to ask this and that.. She says she is tired, and doesnt want to be involved... WHAT? She had her fun of venting on me and now she wants to wash her hands? Looks like she aint really very concerned... She just wants to dabble and play with it, and when she sees how serious it becomes, she wants to jump ship? I see...
Thank you, friend.
09:53pm
I am in shit.
The mortal found out that i have been reading her blog. All thanks to a friend whom i consider buddy.
I read from the mortal's blog that this friend went out with her. And they talked. So naturally, i called this friend to ask. We talked and i heard from her hopeless words... of how impossible it is... how terrible... i really wondered if she made any effort at all in being gentle, or has she taken scolding me as a chance to get back at me for breaking hearts of girls she feel for.
I shouldnt be her punching bag. I thought i am her friend. Instead of being one to me, she whacked me emotionally.
In her reply to my email, she sounded so pleased in being right that i was wrong. She sounded so "I-Told-You-So". And she seem to take care in blaming my every action. She typed in Capital letters the word REBOUND. Eventhough i was the one who told her another fren told me it was a rebound relationship, she replied that it was "logic", any other relationship being in shortly after another is one. She is so unsympathetic. Not that i deserved sympathy, but she could have been nicer.
If she were in the same boat, i would have endeavoured to be kinder. Clearly, if she could be in a rebound relationship, she needed more care to heal... but i dun understand why she isnt as merciful.
She said she was grumpy, down with flu and all that. But it is no excuse to take this chance and pull a friend like this to bully. She is a single girl, unattached and ocasionally complaining to me abt being single and lonely, each time, i listened, and remained patient to her. So this time, i hurt a girl's heart, who is she? Superwoman? Its up to her to beat me up for justice sake? Who is she to judge?
Look, friend. I dont think i will ever make as much effort as before to be so kind to u. Just like u, my kindness level will be subject to my moods. i dont think u deserve better treatment anymore. I will treat u as u treated me. Thanks for being a buddy of that type.
Back to the story abt how the mortal know abt me reading her blog. This friend whom i called to find out more abt the outing asked how i knew abt it. I told her that i read the mortal's blog. So now this friend knows right?
But she SMSthe mortal saying that I know abt the outing.
And the mortal called back asking how i could know... and then finally decided that i could only know by reading her blog.
Eventhough this friend knows how i know abt the outing, she STILL sms her that simple msg to tell. Why the need to? She directly lead the mortal to this important piece of information.
She just killed my only link to stand silently by my lover and see how she is.
Now the mortal has removed the link of the blog to her personal info page. Means she now will have a clean track for future blogs, making it extremely difficult to trace. Stalker? Perhaps. But its less of one. Would u rather i follow her ard to see how she is?
I just wanted to know how she is and how she feels.
And now that so much has happened to this blog thing, and i keep calling up this friend to ask this and that.. She says she is tired, and doesnt want to be involved... WHAT? She had her fun of venting on me and now she wants to wash her hands? Looks like she aint really very concerned... She just wants to dabble and play with it, and when she sees how serious it becomes, she wants to jump ship? I see...
Thank you, friend.
09:53pm
Sunday, February 06, 2005
I Think That's It.
I feel dismayed by thought of it. I think i am finally understanding the severity of my decision for the breakup last year.
I dun understand why no one supports my decision.
I felt like a victim then. Maybe i am, except that i caused myself to be one. Incomplacency?
Is there really no return for m decision?
Oh mortal, will u forgive me?
I make mistakes. Many mistakes. Can i make it up to you?
I dun think i will make any promises this time, i dun want to break another...
I'm sorry.
I dun understand why no one supports my decision.
I felt like a victim then. Maybe i am, except that i caused myself to be one. Incomplacency?
Is there really no return for m decision?
Oh mortal, will u forgive me?
I make mistakes. Many mistakes. Can i make it up to you?
I dun think i will make any promises this time, i dun want to break another...
I'm sorry.
好马不吃回头草
The mortals words. As what she said that my girl-buddy repeated to me, when they went out. The intensity of those words are stronger especially when my buddy asked her out. It would be less severe if the mortal asked my buddy out.
A good horse do not eat from grass passed.
A friend has a continuation to the above idiom:
好草不妨回头吃
Why not return for very good grass?
Then again, who am i to say that i am good grass to eat.
I never felt so alone. All my friends, buddies, even my parents think my decision is all wrong.
The mortal went out with my buddy last night. And they talked abt me.
I dunno if my buddy did any effort in softening the pain, but it sounded to me that i have no chance in returning to the mortal. That is if my buddy had accurately interpreted the mortal's words to me.
Is it really an irrepairable situation?
Is my decision that final?
Who said all decisions are all correct?
CEOs can make the wrong decisions and make the enterprise collapse, or lose tonnes of money. And if it can be redeemed, why not poorly made decisions of the heart?
I feel quite fallen.
Is there no way i can be forgiven for my mistake?
Is there room available for my regret?
My buddy said that the mortal is coping well with life now. Ok at work, and ok with the heart. Its good that she has realised how important family ties are now. As they are very supportive of her after our breakup. She closer to her sisters and mother and even dad now. Its a good thing. But it also means i would be more scorned (and doubted) at if i were to return to the scene, even if i were promising eternity.
The mortal appears to be extremely disgusted with how i have intended to get married in one moment, and yet in the next, to break up. And in the next, not long after, to get attached to another girl. Worse to have been seen by the mortal while i am with the angel at a class gathering.
How still can i redeem myself?
Am i held to my decision? I am stuck? Fucked? Well, my buddy sure didnt give me any hope nor any kindness. I couldnt feel more terrible.
Neither can i bargain nor ask for anything now.
I feel dumped now. Then again, who am i really to ask her to wait for me. Looks like she have moved on while i really marched on the spot, thinking that i have ran far ahead, perhaps i have, but in a wrong direction.
Here i am harbouring thoughts of how happy i would really be, but hearing frm my dearest buddy that i have no more chances.
Perhaps so...
What can i do now?
I have never felt more alone. Not even the angel can make me feel better.
4:03pm
A good horse do not eat from grass passed.
A friend has a continuation to the above idiom:
好草不妨回头吃
Why not return for very good grass?
Then again, who am i to say that i am good grass to eat.
I never felt so alone. All my friends, buddies, even my parents think my decision is all wrong.
The mortal went out with my buddy last night. And they talked abt me.
I dunno if my buddy did any effort in softening the pain, but it sounded to me that i have no chance in returning to the mortal. That is if my buddy had accurately interpreted the mortal's words to me.
Is it really an irrepairable situation?
Is my decision that final?
Who said all decisions are all correct?
CEOs can make the wrong decisions and make the enterprise collapse, or lose tonnes of money. And if it can be redeemed, why not poorly made decisions of the heart?
I feel quite fallen.
Is there no way i can be forgiven for my mistake?
Is there room available for my regret?
My buddy said that the mortal is coping well with life now. Ok at work, and ok with the heart. Its good that she has realised how important family ties are now. As they are very supportive of her after our breakup. She closer to her sisters and mother and even dad now. Its a good thing. But it also means i would be more scorned (and doubted) at if i were to return to the scene, even if i were promising eternity.
The mortal appears to be extremely disgusted with how i have intended to get married in one moment, and yet in the next, to break up. And in the next, not long after, to get attached to another girl. Worse to have been seen by the mortal while i am with the angel at a class gathering.
How still can i redeem myself?
Am i held to my decision? I am stuck? Fucked? Well, my buddy sure didnt give me any hope nor any kindness. I couldnt feel more terrible.
Neither can i bargain nor ask for anything now.
I feel dumped now. Then again, who am i really to ask her to wait for me. Looks like she have moved on while i really marched on the spot, thinking that i have ran far ahead, perhaps i have, but in a wrong direction.
Here i am harbouring thoughts of how happy i would really be, but hearing frm my dearest buddy that i have no more chances.
Perhaps so...
What can i do now?
I have never felt more alone. Not even the angel can make me feel better.
4:03pm
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Fucked. So Fucked.
Indeed i feel i am. Not in a good sense... And theres no Earth-shaking orgasm to wait out for.
I feel so lost. So unsure. So uncertain. I dont know what to do. So many advices and so many views. I dont know who's to take.
My favourite stewardess says that I should really try out the relationship with the angel, if not i may risk regretting it. She reminds me that the problems by which drove me to end my relationship with the mortal could still be existing. And getting back with the mortal may not be that good a thing.
But what can i do? I miss the mortal so much. Oh, mortal... Oh, mortal... do u understand why i place so much importance in communication? Because without which, no problems can be solved. If problems dun end, there wont be happiness, and love will wear thin caused by those problems.
But actually, to have lasted 44mths, eventhough with problems... that means we have communicated quite a bit to be able to get thru those problems. Eventhough most of the times, things bounced back to the usual, and we end up having to talk abt things again.
Even if i were with the angel, would there be no problems? OK, so there will be... but can we solve it? OK, so we can... but will there be a yoyo effect? I cant be expecting the angel to change and bend herself to suit me too... She will be tired.
So theres no difference.
ARGH!!!!
I feel so unfair to the angel to be making her less than the first priority. Maybe i would be even more unfair to her if i didnt give it a good go at the relationship.
I really do not know what i should do... Cant i just choose one and not think abt the rest?
If i pick the mortal, i may have to face a life time of poor comunication and some recurring problems. But i know that i will have someone whom i love with me, provided its strong enough to stand the test of time, trials.
If i pick the angel, i may have a lifetime of being loved, or maybe not. I cant tell, she loved me heaps now, but before it has stood the test of time, i cant give her the benefit of the doubt and assume it will stand.
Why the FUCK did i give up a girl i love... maybe its not so much a bad thing, because i learnt so much more abt myself... i know how fickle i am, how silly, how pigheaded, how airhead, how shallow, how thoughtless, how inconsiderate, how immature, how stupid i am, to have placed myself in such STUPID situation.
Should i ask to be free from my relationship with the angel for some time to think it over?
Why am i so eager to return to the mortal? Has my heart ever left her?
I dont know what my heart wants. I dont know what my heart feels. I dont know what i want. I dont know what i feel.
6:30pm
I feel so lost. So unsure. So uncertain. I dont know what to do. So many advices and so many views. I dont know who's to take.
My favourite stewardess says that I should really try out the relationship with the angel, if not i may risk regretting it. She reminds me that the problems by which drove me to end my relationship with the mortal could still be existing. And getting back with the mortal may not be that good a thing.
But what can i do? I miss the mortal so much. Oh, mortal... Oh, mortal... do u understand why i place so much importance in communication? Because without which, no problems can be solved. If problems dun end, there wont be happiness, and love will wear thin caused by those problems.
But actually, to have lasted 44mths, eventhough with problems... that means we have communicated quite a bit to be able to get thru those problems. Eventhough most of the times, things bounced back to the usual, and we end up having to talk abt things again.
Even if i were with the angel, would there be no problems? OK, so there will be... but can we solve it? OK, so we can... but will there be a yoyo effect? I cant be expecting the angel to change and bend herself to suit me too... She will be tired.
So theres no difference.
ARGH!!!!
I feel so unfair to the angel to be making her less than the first priority. Maybe i would be even more unfair to her if i didnt give it a good go at the relationship.
I really do not know what i should do... Cant i just choose one and not think abt the rest?
If i pick the mortal, i may have to face a life time of poor comunication and some recurring problems. But i know that i will have someone whom i love with me, provided its strong enough to stand the test of time, trials.
If i pick the angel, i may have a lifetime of being loved, or maybe not. I cant tell, she loved me heaps now, but before it has stood the test of time, i cant give her the benefit of the doubt and assume it will stand.
Why the FUCK did i give up a girl i love... maybe its not so much a bad thing, because i learnt so much more abt myself... i know how fickle i am, how silly, how pigheaded, how airhead, how shallow, how thoughtless, how inconsiderate, how immature, how stupid i am, to have placed myself in such STUPID situation.
Should i ask to be free from my relationship with the angel for some time to think it over?
Why am i so eager to return to the mortal? Has my heart ever left her?
I dont know what my heart wants. I dont know what my heart feels. I dont know what i want. I dont know what i feel.
6:30pm
I Got Woken Up...
With a startle, dunno why, maybe because of hunger pangs, because i couldnt get back to sleep with my stomach growling like crazy.
I cut the swiss roll cake that the angel bought for me days agao and ate it, together with some fruit tarts bought by the same. Its really nice of the angel to buy me so much food. Shes really taking good care of me, i think i am getting fat. But i am not sure whether i should continue taking it or to want back a part of my independence. She cant keep doing this even if we were together for a long long time.
I remember the mortal bought me breakfast too... "ai xin zao chan". Bread from breadtalk. Thats very nice and sweet too.
Today, the mortal finally updated her blog, one shot update for the past few days. Great, to think that i have have been following almost every time i am online. In fact she just published them abt half an hr ago! She happy that its her last day at work before the CNY celebrations. I am happy for her. She seems so stressed, but theres nothing i can do. And shes even developed gastric! Has she been starving herself? Irregular meals? Seems that i am no different.
The mortal's blog doesnt have much talk abt me. Nothing since a long time ago that she mention that she remembered me (i hope its me) and then suddenly fell silent and sad. Maybe she has stopped missing me. Maybe she has forgotten me. Maybe she has moved on.
Sigh... and now i seem to be the one who is stuck in history. Unable to move forward.
Today, after i woke up from my sleep after a night shift. I went out with my parents for dinner. I drove us to Post Centre where we ate and shopped for groceries. Mum looks extra tired and in a way older now. Which made me want to bring her for some spa treatment somewhere. For some rejuvenation. She seems to be under lots of stress at work too.
While pushing the cart around in NTUC with my parents, i see the same Pink Guava juice drink packaged by NTUC at the same place where i last took a bottle to buy. Together with a bottle of the Arbot Mist flavored wine. These things i bought for her near her birthday a few years ago, when we had a complementary night stay at Carlton hotel because of her dad's membership to the hotel. I bought those things and met her at the hotel, where she was dining with her parents. Not wanting to be seen, hence a sleazy impression, i went up to the hotel room there and waited. Apparently, her dad seated at the mezzanine cafe, saw me, and said to her when she left them to meet me upstairs, "yeah, u can go find ur boyfriend now."
Its extremely memorable because she mixed the wine with the juice, which proved to be a good mix. It tasted good. And i prepared a bath for her. With bubbles and all, even rose petals all over the washroom. Even in the toilet bowl. I also pour FRESH MILK into the bath, so that she will feel like a queen or princess!! I spent a long time in the toilet preparing for these things while she waited outside. And it turned out good. She appreciates it. Its so nice and fun.
So everytime i go to Post Centre, i will definitely remember being there alone, hunting for the things i needed for the hotel stay. Dun forget, i also bought a facial mask and a breast firming mask for her. A day to pamper herself with. I hope i made her feel pampered. I planned like hell.
I remember that after we checked into Carlton, i deposited the pampering items (bath soap, milk, masks, roses, candles) into the safe and locked it under a password. Didnt want her to see it first and spoilt the surprise. I think we went out for dinner and a movie before going back to the hotel and chill out. Its really very fun.
I also remembered that the next day, she still wanted to laze in bed though its late. I took a picture of her rolled up in the sheets, like a big cacoon insect. We had breakfast at the big window. From which we can see the Orchard road... a long stretch of road of red and white lights at night.
2:52am
I cut the swiss roll cake that the angel bought for me days agao and ate it, together with some fruit tarts bought by the same. Its really nice of the angel to buy me so much food. Shes really taking good care of me, i think i am getting fat. But i am not sure whether i should continue taking it or to want back a part of my independence. She cant keep doing this even if we were together for a long long time.
I remember the mortal bought me breakfast too... "ai xin zao chan". Bread from breadtalk. Thats very nice and sweet too.
Today, the mortal finally updated her blog, one shot update for the past few days. Great, to think that i have have been following almost every time i am online. In fact she just published them abt half an hr ago! She happy that its her last day at work before the CNY celebrations. I am happy for her. She seems so stressed, but theres nothing i can do. And shes even developed gastric! Has she been starving herself? Irregular meals? Seems that i am no different.
The mortal's blog doesnt have much talk abt me. Nothing since a long time ago that she mention that she remembered me (i hope its me) and then suddenly fell silent and sad. Maybe she has stopped missing me. Maybe she has forgotten me. Maybe she has moved on.
Sigh... and now i seem to be the one who is stuck in history. Unable to move forward.
Today, after i woke up from my sleep after a night shift. I went out with my parents for dinner. I drove us to Post Centre where we ate and shopped for groceries. Mum looks extra tired and in a way older now. Which made me want to bring her for some spa treatment somewhere. For some rejuvenation. She seems to be under lots of stress at work too.
While pushing the cart around in NTUC with my parents, i see the same Pink Guava juice drink packaged by NTUC at the same place where i last took a bottle to buy. Together with a bottle of the Arbot Mist flavored wine. These things i bought for her near her birthday a few years ago, when we had a complementary night stay at Carlton hotel because of her dad's membership to the hotel. I bought those things and met her at the hotel, where she was dining with her parents. Not wanting to be seen, hence a sleazy impression, i went up to the hotel room there and waited. Apparently, her dad seated at the mezzanine cafe, saw me, and said to her when she left them to meet me upstairs, "yeah, u can go find ur boyfriend now."
Its extremely memorable because she mixed the wine with the juice, which proved to be a good mix. It tasted good. And i prepared a bath for her. With bubbles and all, even rose petals all over the washroom. Even in the toilet bowl. I also pour FRESH MILK into the bath, so that she will feel like a queen or princess!! I spent a long time in the toilet preparing for these things while she waited outside. And it turned out good. She appreciates it. Its so nice and fun.
So everytime i go to Post Centre, i will definitely remember being there alone, hunting for the things i needed for the hotel stay. Dun forget, i also bought a facial mask and a breast firming mask for her. A day to pamper herself with. I hope i made her feel pampered. I planned like hell.
I remember that after we checked into Carlton, i deposited the pampering items (bath soap, milk, masks, roses, candles) into the safe and locked it under a password. Didnt want her to see it first and spoilt the surprise. I think we went out for dinner and a movie before going back to the hotel and chill out. Its really very fun.
I also remembered that the next day, she still wanted to laze in bed though its late. I took a picture of her rolled up in the sheets, like a big cacoon insect. We had breakfast at the big window. From which we can see the Orchard road... a long stretch of road of red and white lights at night.
2:52am
Friday, February 04, 2005
A Happy Chinese New Year
A very nice lady who is a lil older and a lil wiser advised me to at least give the angel a happy CNY to celebrate before talking to her abt not being together. I can wait if this is good advice. Many friends agree with her. So i guess i will take it.
But this very same nice lady also looked quite angry with me for not giving the angel more time to try things out. I did give some time to try but my mind is straying so much, i really think it is unfair to hold on to her. Well, i have abt more than half a month to be with her. There is still chance for anything to happen.
Just after i made my decision, i have already felt freeier now. Liberated. I feel more free to be as i am. Since i have in a way finally concluded with a solution which i have been thinking abt for many many days. I really do want to buy some things for the mortal, and i want to do so without guilt, and now after my decision, i feel glad to be able to do so. Maybe even flirt a lil.
But i feel a little bad treating the angel badly. She is after all, a very sweet girl with a fragile heart.
But i know whats it like to be heartbroken, i have been dumped before.
6:43pm
But this very same nice lady also looked quite angry with me for not giving the angel more time to try things out. I did give some time to try but my mind is straying so much, i really think it is unfair to hold on to her. Well, i have abt more than half a month to be with her. There is still chance for anything to happen.
Just after i made my decision, i have already felt freeier now. Liberated. I feel more free to be as i am. Since i have in a way finally concluded with a solution which i have been thinking abt for many many days. I really do want to buy some things for the mortal, and i want to do so without guilt, and now after my decision, i feel glad to be able to do so. Maybe even flirt a lil.
But i feel a little bad treating the angel badly. She is after all, a very sweet girl with a fragile heart.
But i know whats it like to be heartbroken, i have been dumped before.
6:43pm
A Chat With Someone Older.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
ok i mback
- at work says:
thanks.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
i tink u shld break up with melissa
- at work says:
why do u think so?
kerch: ing in Perth says:
becoz u must be responsible to her
- at work says:
who?
kerch: ing in Perth says:
ur mind is not there for her... it's obvious
kerch: ing in Perth says:
and its still early days
kerch: ing in Perth says:
not there for mel
kerch: ing in Perth says:
but abt getting back with angela
kerch: ing in Perth says:
pls dun tink abt it
kerch: ing in Perth says:
carry on with singlehood for a while
kerch: ing in Perth says:
u can tink abt good memories with her
kerch: ing in Perth says:
but run thru ur mind why u broke up in the 1st place
kerch: ing in Perth says:
u dun want all the issues to start flooding ur mind again if u do start again
- at work says:
thx...
kerch: ing in Perth says:
dun make the same mistake of rushing into anything anytime soon
kerch: ing in Perth says:
there r a lot of fun things to do as a single guy
kerch: ing in Perth says:
go knock urself out first
- at work says:
but i miss angela.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
when loneliness set in, concentrate on something else
kerch: ing in Perth says:
why din u tink liek tt this when u broke up? try to recall why
- at work says:
i complained that there was no future because she cant communicate as much as i expected.
- at work says:
thats is one of the major reasons.. if no communication, then future problems is hard to solve between us.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
of coz
kerch: ing in Perth says:
i cant agree more
kerch: ing in Perth says:
u miss her becoz u hav spent too much time tog
kerch: ing in Perth says:
its only natural
- at work says:
but i figured that we could last 3.5 years despite all the problems, something must be working togther.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
it was a normal part of ur life then
kerch: ing in Perth says:
becoz it was comfortable
- at work says:
u are right.
- at work says:
but she kind of decided to go to china to work.
- at work says:
dont know when.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
good
kerch: ing in Perth says:
let her go
kerch: ing in Perth says:
ur life doesnt revolve ard these 2 women
kerch: ing in Perth says:
remind urself tt
- at work says:
let her go?
kerch: ing in Perth says:
yes
- at work says:
i appreciate these advices, ker ching. But i dunno for real if i should take all of it.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
it might do u good
kerch: ing in Perth says:
at the end of the day, u make ur own decisions
kerch: ing in Perth says:
do her good too
kerch: ing in Perth says:
she will come back with a better appreciation of what she needs or what u need
kerch: ing in Perth says:
in her absence, u can appreciate if u really still want anything with her
kerch: ing in Perth says:
u cannot rush into something else again like u hav with mel again
kerch: ing in Perth says:
u understand
- at work says:
i do.
- at work says:
are these ur experiences?
kerch: ing in Perth says:
nope... i dunno... too many relship probs ard me recently
kerch: ing in Perth says:
it just keeps coming up here & there
kerch: ing in Perth says:
i tink breaks r good
- at work says:
its a bad yr already... hopefully after chinese new year better.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
to realigned our skewed minds
kerch: ing in Perth says:
yup
ok i mback
- at work says:
thanks.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
i tink u shld break up with melissa
- at work says:
why do u think so?
kerch: ing in Perth says:
becoz u must be responsible to her
- at work says:
who?
kerch: ing in Perth says:
ur mind is not there for her... it's obvious
kerch: ing in Perth says:
and its still early days
kerch: ing in Perth says:
not there for mel
kerch: ing in Perth says:
but abt getting back with angela
kerch: ing in Perth says:
pls dun tink abt it
kerch: ing in Perth says:
carry on with singlehood for a while
kerch: ing in Perth says:
u can tink abt good memories with her
kerch: ing in Perth says:
but run thru ur mind why u broke up in the 1st place
kerch: ing in Perth says:
u dun want all the issues to start flooding ur mind again if u do start again
- at work says:
thx...
kerch: ing in Perth says:
dun make the same mistake of rushing into anything anytime soon
kerch: ing in Perth says:
there r a lot of fun things to do as a single guy
kerch: ing in Perth says:
go knock urself out first
- at work says:
but i miss angela.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
when loneliness set in, concentrate on something else
kerch: ing in Perth says:
why din u tink liek tt this when u broke up? try to recall why
- at work says:
i complained that there was no future because she cant communicate as much as i expected.
- at work says:
thats is one of the major reasons.. if no communication, then future problems is hard to solve between us.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
of coz
kerch: ing in Perth says:
i cant agree more
kerch: ing in Perth says:
u miss her becoz u hav spent too much time tog
kerch: ing in Perth says:
its only natural
- at work says:
but i figured that we could last 3.5 years despite all the problems, something must be working togther.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
it was a normal part of ur life then
kerch: ing in Perth says:
becoz it was comfortable
- at work says:
u are right.
- at work says:
but she kind of decided to go to china to work.
- at work says:
dont know when.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
good
kerch: ing in Perth says:
let her go
kerch: ing in Perth says:
ur life doesnt revolve ard these 2 women
kerch: ing in Perth says:
remind urself tt
- at work says:
let her go?
kerch: ing in Perth says:
yes
- at work says:
i appreciate these advices, ker ching. But i dunno for real if i should take all of it.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
it might do u good
kerch: ing in Perth says:
at the end of the day, u make ur own decisions
kerch: ing in Perth says:
do her good too
kerch: ing in Perth says:
she will come back with a better appreciation of what she needs or what u need
kerch: ing in Perth says:
in her absence, u can appreciate if u really still want anything with her
kerch: ing in Perth says:
u cannot rush into something else again like u hav with mel again
kerch: ing in Perth says:
u understand
- at work says:
i do.
- at work says:
are these ur experiences?
kerch: ing in Perth says:
nope... i dunno... too many relship probs ard me recently
kerch: ing in Perth says:
it just keeps coming up here & there
kerch: ing in Perth says:
i tink breaks r good
- at work says:
its a bad yr already... hopefully after chinese new year better.
kerch: ing in Perth says:
to realigned our skewed minds
kerch: ing in Perth says:
yup
She Changed Her Blog Skin. So No More Same As Mine....
Yup, that she sure did. And hence, the mortal's blog doesnt look like mine liao. Initially it was the same blog skin but of a different colour. She picked blue while i picked red. Maybe she reserved the red for me... I told the Oily Woman that it is quite coincidental that our blogs are of similar skins, since there were so many to choose from.
Today, my mum passed to her the pineapple tarts which i ordered for her. Or rather, my mum ordered, since she would discount my order for her. She didnt think i would do such a thing after breaking her heart.
When my mum told me that, i told her i wanted to see her. And my mum say that the mortal said there was no point for her to meet me. Maybe my mum asked her if I should send her the pineapple tarts.
I am disappointed. How could she think that? Dont i mean a thing to her? OK, ok... i broke her heart.
I had a chat with a friend over MSN and she gave me hope over getting back with the mortal. Maybe my mind is more or less made up, so i just needed a lil push to get my actions going.
I am thinking of how i can broach the topic to the angel. Its gonna hurt bad, but i must be true to the angel. I cannot live the rest of my life cheating myself and her, forcing myself to stay with the angel while thinking of the mortal. I think its only fair to the angel to come clean on this.
It was only today that the angel said to me that she felt i have changed these past few weeks. I have. My attention has shifted to my necessary decision for the happiness of my future.
I am sorry, angel. For dating u for 6weeks and assuring u so many times, only to disappoint u. I know timespan is not the critical factor but how much u have given to me emotionally.
I want to remind you that you are not a replacement. You really arent. I really do like you then, and i like you still, because you are an almost perfect type of girl that i want to be with. Being with u made an impact in my life, just like i have made an impact on urs. You have made me feel so important and loved. Thank you for ur love. Being with u was really fun, at sentosa and all. But when we got on with the days, the things we did together reminded me so much of the mortal, that i am really distracted by memories of her. I do not want to be unfair to you by being with you but yet has my mind cast on someone else. I know you cannot accept that.
I do hope we can be friends still. If you allow it.
01:30am
Today, my mum passed to her the pineapple tarts which i ordered for her. Or rather, my mum ordered, since she would discount my order for her. She didnt think i would do such a thing after breaking her heart.
When my mum told me that, i told her i wanted to see her. And my mum say that the mortal said there was no point for her to meet me. Maybe my mum asked her if I should send her the pineapple tarts.
I am disappointed. How could she think that? Dont i mean a thing to her? OK, ok... i broke her heart.
I had a chat with a friend over MSN and she gave me hope over getting back with the mortal. Maybe my mind is more or less made up, so i just needed a lil push to get my actions going.
I am thinking of how i can broach the topic to the angel. Its gonna hurt bad, but i must be true to the angel. I cannot live the rest of my life cheating myself and her, forcing myself to stay with the angel while thinking of the mortal. I think its only fair to the angel to come clean on this.
It was only today that the angel said to me that she felt i have changed these past few weeks. I have. My attention has shifted to my necessary decision for the happiness of my future.
I am sorry, angel. For dating u for 6weeks and assuring u so many times, only to disappoint u. I know timespan is not the critical factor but how much u have given to me emotionally.
I want to remind you that you are not a replacement. You really arent. I really do like you then, and i like you still, because you are an almost perfect type of girl that i want to be with. Being with u made an impact in my life, just like i have made an impact on urs. You have made me feel so important and loved. Thank you for ur love. Being with u was really fun, at sentosa and all. But when we got on with the days, the things we did together reminded me so much of the mortal, that i am really distracted by memories of her. I do not want to be unfair to you by being with you but yet has my mind cast on someone else. I know you cannot accept that.
I do hope we can be friends still. If you allow it.
01:30am
Thursday, February 03, 2005
I'm Not A Perfect Person...
Lyrics of a song from which the mortal puts for scrolling words in the browser status bar.
My mum just left the room, she didnt get to send the pineapple tarts to the mortal. And i asked whether i can. She said it would be better. I told her that i have wanted to in the first place, but each time i offered (except now) she would give some sacastic snide remark abt it. I asked her whether she thinks my decision was a wrong one... to which she replied, that she thinks there should be a level of responsibility which i should hold over her. I understand, and i agree.
Maybe on Saturday, can send it to her... but dammit, i just realise that i am working 9am-9pm. NVM, i will work things out... how how how? should i send to her home? Then can visit auntie also. But what to talk? And if i meet her somewhere to pass to her, should i have dinner with her or just meet to pass then go off? What should i do?? Someone advise me!!!!
I have not gone to Bugis this year, and i think i will avoid it, especially if i am with the angel. I shall preserve the place as a momory place between me and the mortal. i shall go to the place when i want to reminisce her memories. Today almost go there when the angel ask whether can, and i reply in sms asking for reasons... and her reply was to meet at PS instead. So, i let it pass.
The lyrics to the above song melted me. I guess the lyrics must have made a deep impact to her, so that she would put the lyrics scrolling there. I really want to stop the hurt, my mortal, i really do.
Today, went out with the angel. To hav dinner and walk walk ard. I realise i am quite quiet and by myself, and i would not share very much with angel. I dun bother to talk very much. And not much silly jokes. And since the day i started missing the mortal, i havent hugged and kissed the angel passionately. Except for the kiss on her forehead when she was sick, which seem to make her feel so much better... my kiss had such an impact on her, just like the mortal's kiss had the power to heal all my pains.
The angel held my hands so tightly all the time. It seems that shes afraid of losing me. Unlike how the mortal hold my hands. Sometimes loose, and limp. I remembered how i intertwined our fingers, mine and the mortal's so tightly deliberately together. I was afraid of losing her too... maybe the mortal was like me now. Not head over heels...
Today, i wondered something diffferent. iwondered if things would be different if i were back with the mortal. There is a level of hurt i am sure. But perhaps i can redeem myself by being good to her. Maybe even better than how good i was to her. But would she try to improve also? What if, her attitute towards me changed? For the rest of our lives, she tried to get back at me... Maybe it would change for the better? She might treasure me more? Show more to me that she loves me? Maybe i myself, would complain less? Like what Jack said, it is easier to accept someone than to change someone. Maybe i really should accept the mortal as she is. Instead of trying to change her.
I asked the Oily woman what i should do if she was in the similar situation, which she have been in before. She had to pick between 2 men. And the one she chose, she has finally married him after 8 or so years together...
She said that she would choose the one whom she loves more. So that she can use the power of love to cover the flaws. True... No one is perfect, and its a matter of time which i discover faults with anyone. I am not saying that there is no possibility that i wont love the angel in the future. But as of now, i am too mixed to think straight.
12:50am
My mum just left the room, she didnt get to send the pineapple tarts to the mortal. And i asked whether i can. She said it would be better. I told her that i have wanted to in the first place, but each time i offered (except now) she would give some sacastic snide remark abt it. I asked her whether she thinks my decision was a wrong one... to which she replied, that she thinks there should be a level of responsibility which i should hold over her. I understand, and i agree.
Maybe on Saturday, can send it to her... but dammit, i just realise that i am working 9am-9pm. NVM, i will work things out... how how how? should i send to her home? Then can visit auntie also. But what to talk? And if i meet her somewhere to pass to her, should i have dinner with her or just meet to pass then go off? What should i do?? Someone advise me!!!!
I have not gone to Bugis this year, and i think i will avoid it, especially if i am with the angel. I shall preserve the place as a momory place between me and the mortal. i shall go to the place when i want to reminisce her memories. Today almost go there when the angel ask whether can, and i reply in sms asking for reasons... and her reply was to meet at PS instead. So, i let it pass.
The lyrics to the above song melted me. I guess the lyrics must have made a deep impact to her, so that she would put the lyrics scrolling there. I really want to stop the hurt, my mortal, i really do.
Today, went out with the angel. To hav dinner and walk walk ard. I realise i am quite quiet and by myself, and i would not share very much with angel. I dun bother to talk very much. And not much silly jokes. And since the day i started missing the mortal, i havent hugged and kissed the angel passionately. Except for the kiss on her forehead when she was sick, which seem to make her feel so much better... my kiss had such an impact on her, just like the mortal's kiss had the power to heal all my pains.
The angel held my hands so tightly all the time. It seems that shes afraid of losing me. Unlike how the mortal hold my hands. Sometimes loose, and limp. I remembered how i intertwined our fingers, mine and the mortal's so tightly deliberately together. I was afraid of losing her too... maybe the mortal was like me now. Not head over heels...
Today, i wondered something diffferent. iwondered if things would be different if i were back with the mortal. There is a level of hurt i am sure. But perhaps i can redeem myself by being good to her. Maybe even better than how good i was to her. But would she try to improve also? What if, her attitute towards me changed? For the rest of our lives, she tried to get back at me... Maybe it would change for the better? She might treasure me more? Show more to me that she loves me? Maybe i myself, would complain less? Like what Jack said, it is easier to accept someone than to change someone. Maybe i really should accept the mortal as she is. Instead of trying to change her.
I asked the Oily woman what i should do if she was in the similar situation, which she have been in before. She had to pick between 2 men. And the one she chose, she has finally married him after 8 or so years together...
She said that she would choose the one whom she loves more. So that she can use the power of love to cover the flaws. True... No one is perfect, and its a matter of time which i discover faults with anyone. I am not saying that there is no possibility that i wont love the angel in the future. But as of now, i am too mixed to think straight.
12:50am
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
"If You're Not The One"
By Daniel Bedingfield
I love the mortal. I woke up today, dreaming of her. I wish the dreams go on forever. Why must one wake up from the slumber to reality? I wonder how the mortal feels about me now. I really wonder. Does she want me back? Does she still love me? Does she hate me? Is she so hurt that she doesnt want anything more to do with me? Have she ever thought of how or what she can do to get my love back, or rather, how she can give her love to me again, since i felt that i gave and she only receives.
Love. What is it?
I love the mortal. I woke up today, dreaming of her. I wish the dreams go on forever. Why must one wake up from the slumber to reality? I wonder how the mortal feels about me now. I really wonder. Does she want me back? Does she still love me? Does she hate me? Is she so hurt that she doesnt want anything more to do with me? Have she ever thought of how or what she can do to get my love back, or rather, how she can give her love to me again, since i felt that i gave and she only receives.
Love. What is it?
If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I'll never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We’ll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don’t know why you’re so far away But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms
5:26pm
Fond Memories When U See Her With Rose Tinted Glasses.
Words of Annie, my idol.
Its also true... Thats what another of our stewardess said too when news spread when i just broke up with the mortal. She warned me that it would happen, and it did.
In fact, this rose tinted glasses is killing me now. Its whats causing me to miss her like crazy. And indeed, times with the mortal is really good. Its really happy... really free... really myself... really glad to have her...
Last night, i woke up from my sleep to korean music from my lappy. I left it on as the music makes me feel very romantic and happy, flooding me with sweet memories of the mortal. I woke up from my sleep to check the mortal's blog. I was disappointed that she didnt update. Maybe it was still early, sometimes she update at 2am, 3am... but at 1am last night, i was too tired to carry on.
YEsterday was a very tired day for me. I was quite sad. It was a very sullen day for me. And I didnt want to share it with the angel. I wanted to be alone. However, i remembered that when this happens when i was with the mortal, I would msg her to tell her, call her and talk, or rather, call her and be silent. These are the times tha i rather not talk and prefer to listen. So when both me and the mortal dun feel like talking... I feel extremely unloved.
I wondered yesterday whether i would feel happier if the mortal appeared in front of me. I was really day dreaming because i was thinking that she might offer to drive me home again, for old times sake. That would really cheer me up. But if she didnt talk in the car, and looked sullen like me... then i think i would prefer to go home alone. I would want to cheer HER up, but i would be incapable...
My idol advised me to really give some time to my relationship with the angel. She say that that is the only way to see if it will work out or not. The only way to try and live without regrets. If it doesnt work, its ok, at least we tried. If it does work, then it would all the better. I know i have to do this, but the rose tinted lenses are putting the wrong colours on the angel, and making her look not as good before. I know its wrong to compare, but how do i not? I am only mortal.
Perhaps the Oily woman is right, I wasnt ready for another relationship when i started being with the angel. But what could i do? The feeling was so right and we were both available. There was nothing to hold me back from. And thru talks with the angel, she sounded like an angel indeed, why should i stay away from someone like that?
In my mind yesterday, i thought abt the possibilities of me and the mortal going out again, as friends. And like a movie, we both check into a hotel and make passionate love... haha... yes, it was again day dreaming... its very sad if that happens. But i really do wish that somehow we can be friends again and go out again. If she were to have dumped me, i wouldnt have let her go the way she let me go so easily. I would take a while though, before calling and talking again, especially when the rose tinted lenses set in and she started missing me again. And maybe at an appropriate time, seize the chance for a big patch up. But no... its difficult to do.
Plus she said before, she wont beg me to get back in the relationship. I know, but that doesnt mean she cant charm me back into the relationship. But then again, she has such low self-confidence in herself, there is no way she woud think that she could have done it. But if she had tried, it wouldnt have taken long for her to succeed. After all, I love her so much, and i wanted to feel loved, and to see the future with her. I felt quite appalled and disgusted that she so conveniently let me go without making efforts to get back with me. I know, i know, what was i thinking? Am i saying that i wanted her to court me back even though i broke her heart?
But still, I wont do those same things she did if i was in the same situation. I gave up on her because i couldnt see the future with her. If she had shown me the future, then i probably wont give her up. I hoped i showed her the future with me before. Maybe what i showed her wasnt appealing enough or maybe she didnt feel enough for me, thats why she also didnt want to pursue the relationship further...
Suddenly i thought abt the time when i was at Sentosa with the mortal, way back on the day that two aircrafts flew into the Twin Towers America. It was so sweet and wonderful to be kissing her in the hut. And naughty and cute to be also kissing her in the ladies shower room when it was empty. She had let me do it before... but given chances again, she wont have... maybe thats one of the reasons why i started to get tired, there was no passion in the relationship. She was so afraid of being passionate with me. Its been a long time since we went to the beach at night. Being so afraid that i would get touchy when we get seated, she would avoid those dark places. But whats so wrong abt injecting some passion and perhaps some lust into the relationship? It keeps it going.
What was wrong with going to beaches at night for an exciting night of hanky panky especailly when we are together? I dunno how it would feel for two ppl who go there for the same though they are not together. But hey, at least i wanted to be there with the mortal and not anyone else. And isnt it safer to be playful at the beach than at home? It is still a public place and we cant possibly be playful to a risky end.
Well, there is no more chances now to go beaches.
Not even to beaches far away from Singapore that i had thought of bringing her to before.
I was glad to be at the beach with the angel again... and though we didnt hanky panky, it was nice to be there with her, it somehow loosen up the fear of being rejected from going such places at night. I dunno, maybe next time when she knows me better, she might also avoid going to beaches altogether? (Hmm... this sentence is familiar, did i type it somewhere before?)
3:38pm
Its also true... Thats what another of our stewardess said too when news spread when i just broke up with the mortal. She warned me that it would happen, and it did.
In fact, this rose tinted glasses is killing me now. Its whats causing me to miss her like crazy. And indeed, times with the mortal is really good. Its really happy... really free... really myself... really glad to have her...
Last night, i woke up from my sleep to korean music from my lappy. I left it on as the music makes me feel very romantic and happy, flooding me with sweet memories of the mortal. I woke up from my sleep to check the mortal's blog. I was disappointed that she didnt update. Maybe it was still early, sometimes she update at 2am, 3am... but at 1am last night, i was too tired to carry on.
YEsterday was a very tired day for me. I was quite sad. It was a very sullen day for me. And I didnt want to share it with the angel. I wanted to be alone. However, i remembered that when this happens when i was with the mortal, I would msg her to tell her, call her and talk, or rather, call her and be silent. These are the times tha i rather not talk and prefer to listen. So when both me and the mortal dun feel like talking... I feel extremely unloved.
I wondered yesterday whether i would feel happier if the mortal appeared in front of me. I was really day dreaming because i was thinking that she might offer to drive me home again, for old times sake. That would really cheer me up. But if she didnt talk in the car, and looked sullen like me... then i think i would prefer to go home alone. I would want to cheer HER up, but i would be incapable...
My idol advised me to really give some time to my relationship with the angel. She say that that is the only way to see if it will work out or not. The only way to try and live without regrets. If it doesnt work, its ok, at least we tried. If it does work, then it would all the better. I know i have to do this, but the rose tinted lenses are putting the wrong colours on the angel, and making her look not as good before. I know its wrong to compare, but how do i not? I am only mortal.
Perhaps the Oily woman is right, I wasnt ready for another relationship when i started being with the angel. But what could i do? The feeling was so right and we were both available. There was nothing to hold me back from. And thru talks with the angel, she sounded like an angel indeed, why should i stay away from someone like that?
In my mind yesterday, i thought abt the possibilities of me and the mortal going out again, as friends. And like a movie, we both check into a hotel and make passionate love... haha... yes, it was again day dreaming... its very sad if that happens. But i really do wish that somehow we can be friends again and go out again. If she were to have dumped me, i wouldnt have let her go the way she let me go so easily. I would take a while though, before calling and talking again, especially when the rose tinted lenses set in and she started missing me again. And maybe at an appropriate time, seize the chance for a big patch up. But no... its difficult to do.
Plus she said before, she wont beg me to get back in the relationship. I know, but that doesnt mean she cant charm me back into the relationship. But then again, she has such low self-confidence in herself, there is no way she woud think that she could have done it. But if she had tried, it wouldnt have taken long for her to succeed. After all, I love her so much, and i wanted to feel loved, and to see the future with her. I felt quite appalled and disgusted that she so conveniently let me go without making efforts to get back with me. I know, i know, what was i thinking? Am i saying that i wanted her to court me back even though i broke her heart?
But still, I wont do those same things she did if i was in the same situation. I gave up on her because i couldnt see the future with her. If she had shown me the future, then i probably wont give her up. I hoped i showed her the future with me before. Maybe what i showed her wasnt appealing enough or maybe she didnt feel enough for me, thats why she also didnt want to pursue the relationship further...
Suddenly i thought abt the time when i was at Sentosa with the mortal, way back on the day that two aircrafts flew into the Twin Towers America. It was so sweet and wonderful to be kissing her in the hut. And naughty and cute to be also kissing her in the ladies shower room when it was empty. She had let me do it before... but given chances again, she wont have... maybe thats one of the reasons why i started to get tired, there was no passion in the relationship. She was so afraid of being passionate with me. Its been a long time since we went to the beach at night. Being so afraid that i would get touchy when we get seated, she would avoid those dark places. But whats so wrong abt injecting some passion and perhaps some lust into the relationship? It keeps it going.
What was wrong with going to beaches at night for an exciting night of hanky panky especailly when we are together? I dunno how it would feel for two ppl who go there for the same though they are not together. But hey, at least i wanted to be there with the mortal and not anyone else. And isnt it safer to be playful at the beach than at home? It is still a public place and we cant possibly be playful to a risky end.
Well, there is no more chances now to go beaches.
Not even to beaches far away from Singapore that i had thought of bringing her to before.
I was glad to be at the beach with the angel again... and though we didnt hanky panky, it was nice to be there with her, it somehow loosen up the fear of being rejected from going such places at night. I dunno, maybe next time when she knows me better, she might also avoid going to beaches altogether? (Hmm... this sentence is familiar, did i type it somewhere before?)
3:38pm
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
It Is Easier to Accept Someone Than To Change Someone
Jack's words.
And isnt it true? Since the angel has suited very nicely my idea of an ideal partner, why woud it be a bad choice to continue being with her?
It would be so much more difficult to change the mortal into the same ideal partner. So difficult. It isnt actually a very fair thing to expect the mortal to change. But while being with her, i communicated my needs to her, or at least i tried. I read in books that for the happiness of both parties, it is best to comminucate needs to eachother. Which is what i did, and i hoped that she learnt. But i do not understand why despite having my needs known, i still wasnt satisfied. I was so empty and felt useless. To the point that i felt no future in the relationship.
Although i love her to bits.
Contradicting isnt it? Says One of my good girl-friends. How could i love the mortal and yet still complain abt her? If i love her, i would embrace all of her even the parts i dun like abt her... true. But how easy is that to do?
For the past few days, i have been the first to read the blogs of the mortal without her knowledge. I found the address. And its so coincidental, that i would catch it just after its been published. I look excitedly in some sense for some of her sad references to me. Isnt it very cruel of me to say that? Thats is true. But i wanted to see how much i am valued. I wanted to see how much i am loved, how important i am. I am after all also a mortal.
Right now, i am listening to a song which i purchased online and downloaded which she said in her blog that she thought abt when she thinks of me. Sun Yan Zi's "Wo Ye Hen Xiang Ta". I am listening to that ONE track continuously. Something which she did which i could not take... but i am doing it nonetheless. I even had it played on and on while I slept thru my afternoon after a night shift. I wonder what it would do to my subconscious.
My army friend, questioned why i would put so much effort in trying to obtain the song. Isnt it history that i gave up the mortal? Then why still the want to listen to the song? Going thru the hassle of searching, paying, not succeeding, trying again at another website, paying for it, and finally downloading it. Just to listen to the song that she thought abt while remembering me. I just wanted to know how she felt.
Though i read her blog, i wanted to know more abt her still.
I was with the angel after dinner to accompany her as she was sick. I visited her and took her to the doctor to get an MC as she was still not well. When we returned to her home, she laid her head on my chest, and said that she has never felt so loved by anyone. I felt so appreciated and worthwhile, so important to her, so proud of myself as well. Does the mortal think the same way? Has she said the same things to me before?
I remember how i was sick and the mortal stayed over at my place to change the wet towel on my forehead to cool my high temperatures... isnt that love? isnt that an expression of love? Isnt that a way to show me how important i was to her? Isnt that how i should have felt that i was so loved by her? Was that disregarded by me? How could i have overlooked that?
Do u see how i am now stuck in between? Between a mortal for whom my love had developed so deeply, and an angel who is so perfect, but hasnt yet that deep a bond with me.
3:18am
And isnt it true? Since the angel has suited very nicely my idea of an ideal partner, why woud it be a bad choice to continue being with her?
It would be so much more difficult to change the mortal into the same ideal partner. So difficult. It isnt actually a very fair thing to expect the mortal to change. But while being with her, i communicated my needs to her, or at least i tried. I read in books that for the happiness of both parties, it is best to comminucate needs to eachother. Which is what i did, and i hoped that she learnt. But i do not understand why despite having my needs known, i still wasnt satisfied. I was so empty and felt useless. To the point that i felt no future in the relationship.
Although i love her to bits.
Contradicting isnt it? Says One of my good girl-friends. How could i love the mortal and yet still complain abt her? If i love her, i would embrace all of her even the parts i dun like abt her... true. But how easy is that to do?
For the past few days, i have been the first to read the blogs of the mortal without her knowledge. I found the address. And its so coincidental, that i would catch it just after its been published. I look excitedly in some sense for some of her sad references to me. Isnt it very cruel of me to say that? Thats is true. But i wanted to see how much i am valued. I wanted to see how much i am loved, how important i am. I am after all also a mortal.
Right now, i am listening to a song which i purchased online and downloaded which she said in her blog that she thought abt when she thinks of me. Sun Yan Zi's "Wo Ye Hen Xiang Ta". I am listening to that ONE track continuously. Something which she did which i could not take... but i am doing it nonetheless. I even had it played on and on while I slept thru my afternoon after a night shift. I wonder what it would do to my subconscious.
My army friend, questioned why i would put so much effort in trying to obtain the song. Isnt it history that i gave up the mortal? Then why still the want to listen to the song? Going thru the hassle of searching, paying, not succeeding, trying again at another website, paying for it, and finally downloading it. Just to listen to the song that she thought abt while remembering me. I just wanted to know how she felt.
Though i read her blog, i wanted to know more abt her still.
I was with the angel after dinner to accompany her as she was sick. I visited her and took her to the doctor to get an MC as she was still not well. When we returned to her home, she laid her head on my chest, and said that she has never felt so loved by anyone. I felt so appreciated and worthwhile, so important to her, so proud of myself as well. Does the mortal think the same way? Has she said the same things to me before?
I remember how i was sick and the mortal stayed over at my place to change the wet towel on my forehead to cool my high temperatures... isnt that love? isnt that an expression of love? Isnt that a way to show me how important i was to her? Isnt that how i should have felt that i was so loved by her? Was that disregarded by me? How could i have overlooked that?
Do u see how i am now stuck in between? Between a mortal for whom my love had developed so deeply, and an angel who is so perfect, but hasnt yet that deep a bond with me.
3:18am
Prologue
I have decided to start this blog as a documentation of my thoughts, considerations, flow of decisions. Otherwise, it would all be conveniently forgotten. I am also a very forgetful person.
This is the story.
I had a 44 mth relationship with an mortal. She has a name not of a mortal though. It was a nice comfortable relationship. Theres ups and downs. No doubt, as of all relationships. But i placed too high a regard for myself, and decided to complain one day. Not soon after, i wanted a break up. She had no choice. She had to accept it, though i believe its so damn difficult.
I re-began singlehood. Which felt like it was a good thing. There were no complains that i had while with the mortal. I had new complains altogether. Of the problems of being lonely. I dun seem to stop complaining.
One day, i met an angel. But she really is a mortal too, except that her characteristics fit a little more of my idea of an angel. She is not perfect, but nonetheless still beautiful. The physical attributes between the mortal and angel are different vastly, so are the characteristics.
The angel is more positive as a life long partner, she is more easy to communicate with, open and honest, perhaps more interested in me than the mortal. The angel placed me in high regard, keeping me in the know abt where she is, how she feels. She makes me feel important because she also wants to know abt me. She is excited to hear abt my day, and as excited to tell me abt hers.
We started being together before the end of year 2004. Eventhough i promised myself not to be attached emotionally to anyone for the whole span of 2005. I have already betrayed myself, and broken my own promise.
Things were beautiful with the angel. Sweet and comfortable. I thought it was perfect, and have started painting long term pictures in my head. House together, children. It is interesting to note that she is very enthusiastic abt the future. She has so much confidence in our relationship. She believes it will be forever. She is so content abt being with me. It seems that i complete every missing piece of puzzle within her.
Shortly after a month with the angel, strangely, the experiences we shared felt so similar to those shared with the mortal. This started me thinking so much abt the mortal.
While walking, suddenly memories of me and the mortal flashed thru my mind. I remembered a phonecall after our break up. She said to me so sincerely that she misses me. I felt the sincerity, and i missed her too. But i was strong to my decision to stay apart. Simply thinking abt how she said "I miss you." drew tears to my eyes.
I would still smile when i think abt how she said "Do you like me?" innocently at the void deck of the next block to her home on my very 21st bday. I was shocked by her directness in that question, at the same time, impressed and overwhelmed. I do like her, and from then on, my love for her grew strongly and steadily.
But why would i think so much abt the mortal after deciding to remove her from my life? Isnt the angel better and more perfect?
2:49am
This is the story.
I had a 44 mth relationship with an mortal. She has a name not of a mortal though. It was a nice comfortable relationship. Theres ups and downs. No doubt, as of all relationships. But i placed too high a regard for myself, and decided to complain one day. Not soon after, i wanted a break up. She had no choice. She had to accept it, though i believe its so damn difficult.
I re-began singlehood. Which felt like it was a good thing. There were no complains that i had while with the mortal. I had new complains altogether. Of the problems of being lonely. I dun seem to stop complaining.
One day, i met an angel. But she really is a mortal too, except that her characteristics fit a little more of my idea of an angel. She is not perfect, but nonetheless still beautiful. The physical attributes between the mortal and angel are different vastly, so are the characteristics.
The angel is more positive as a life long partner, she is more easy to communicate with, open and honest, perhaps more interested in me than the mortal. The angel placed me in high regard, keeping me in the know abt where she is, how she feels. She makes me feel important because she also wants to know abt me. She is excited to hear abt my day, and as excited to tell me abt hers.
We started being together before the end of year 2004. Eventhough i promised myself not to be attached emotionally to anyone for the whole span of 2005. I have already betrayed myself, and broken my own promise.
Things were beautiful with the angel. Sweet and comfortable. I thought it was perfect, and have started painting long term pictures in my head. House together, children. It is interesting to note that she is very enthusiastic abt the future. She has so much confidence in our relationship. She believes it will be forever. She is so content abt being with me. It seems that i complete every missing piece of puzzle within her.
Shortly after a month with the angel, strangely, the experiences we shared felt so similar to those shared with the mortal. This started me thinking so much abt the mortal.
While walking, suddenly memories of me and the mortal flashed thru my mind. I remembered a phonecall after our break up. She said to me so sincerely that she misses me. I felt the sincerity, and i missed her too. But i was strong to my decision to stay apart. Simply thinking abt how she said "I miss you." drew tears to my eyes.
I would still smile when i think abt how she said "Do you like me?" innocently at the void deck of the next block to her home on my very 21st bday. I was shocked by her directness in that question, at the same time, impressed and overwhelmed. I do like her, and from then on, my love for her grew strongly and steadily.
But why would i think so much abt the mortal after deciding to remove her from my life? Isnt the angel better and more perfect?
2:49am
