Hillary's being driven around Washington DC when she spots a little boy sitting in a park with a wagon. She thinks, A great opportunity, and has her driver pull over. She gets out to talk to the boy and discovers that he has six little puppies in the wagon. She comments on how nice they are and the little boy says, 'Thank you, m'am, they're Democrats.' Of course Hillary is extremely pleased.
A few days later Bill decides to take one of his jogs down to McDonald's, which is close to the park, and Hillary mentions that if he should see a little boy with a wagon he should stop and talk to him. Bill sees the little boy with the wagon and puppies and says, 'What nice puppies those are.' The boy says, 'Thank you, sir, they're Republicans.' 'Wait a minute,' said Bill, 'Hillary told me they're Democrats.' The boy responds, 'Yes sir, But now their eyes are open.'
This guy goes into a bar and announces, "I'll bet any man in the house I can name a drink on the basis of a single sip."
"Ten bucks says you can't," the bartender challenges. He surreptitiously pours a drink and sets it on the bar.
The guy tastes it and announces, "Ten-year-old Early Times Bourbon."
To the bartender's surprise, the guy is dead right."Double or nothing?" the bartender asks.
"Certainly." the guy says.
The bartender gets down another bottle, carefully hiding the label, and pours another drink.
The guy samples it and announces, "Fourteen-year-old Chateau de Lyon chablis."
The guy is right again. "Want to try your luck once more?" he asks.
"Why not?" the guy replies.
The bartender pours a third dirnk, and the guy takes a sip and announces, "Six-week-old Everclear grain alcohol."
The bartender pays off, but now he is really irritated. "Let's make it an even hundred bucks," the bartender suggests. The guy agrees and the bartender excuses himself. "I've got something really special in the back room."
The bartender goes into the back room and pisses into a shot glass, then returns and sets it in front of the guy.
The guy takes a drink, spews it out , and says, "My God, that's warm piss!"
"Right," the bartender says. "Now guess my age."
This guy goes into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you ten bucks I can lick my right eye."
The bartender figures that no one has a tongue that long so he takes the bet. The guy removes his right eye, which turns out to be glass, and licks it, then pops it back. The bartender pays off.
"Double or nothing," the guy says, "I'll bet I can bite my left eye."
The bartender figures the guy can't have two glass eyes, so he takes the bet. The guy removes his false teeth, bites his left eye with them, and pops them back in. The bartender has no choice but to pay off.
"Pardon me," the guy says, and goes over to the corner table, where two other guys have been watching with interest.
A few minutes laterthe guy comes back. "Let me give you a chance to win back your money and make a profit," he says. "I bet you a hundred bucks you got square balls."
The bartender knows he doesn't have square balls, so he comes around the bar and says, "You're on."
The bartender drops his brithes, and the guy cups the bartender's balls in his hand. The bartender gives him a big grin. "I guess you lose," the bartender says.
"Not really." The guy hands the bartender a hundred bucks. "You see those two guys at the corner table?" the guy says. "I bet them two hundred apiece that within a minute, I'd have you by the balls and make you smile."
As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.
A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).
Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).
Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT) phase.
CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.
If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.
The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of SHIT our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more SHIT than any other service.
If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough SHIT, see your commander. Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
Twas the night before Christmas,
Grandma and Grandpa were singin' a song,
Ma home from the cathouse,
When out on the lawn,
Away to the window,
But what to my bloodshot eyes but appear,
(Santa)"On dasher, on Blitzen, up over those walls,
Upon the roof,
He staggered and stumbled on over to the door,
And I heard him explain,
A bunch of guys are hanging out in their usual bar after work one day when a very attractive woman walks in and sits down right in the midst of them. After about two minutes of amazed looks, one of the men manages to ask the woman her name.
'Don't you recognise me, guys? It's me, Bernie. I had a sex change!'
Well the men are all amazed at how theie old drinking buddy, Bernie, looks with all his new equipment. So they buy some more drinks and get to talking about old times with Bernie/Bernice. After a few hours, the conversation rolls round to the subject of Bernice's operation. One of the guys says, 'Tell me, Bernice, what was the most painful thing about the operation? Was it when they cut your dick off?'
'No. That was painful, but that wasn't the most painful thing.'
Another man pipes up, 'I bet I know! I'll bet the worst part was when they cut your balls off, right?'
Finally , one of the men asks, 'Well, just what was the worst, most painful part of the operation?'
'When the cut my skull open and removed half my brain.'
Dear Parent(s),
I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.
Please send:
__ Money (Cash)! Amount: _________________________
Relationships:
__ What?
My Roommate:
__ Worships the ground I walk on
My Professors are:
__ Sadistic water walkers
Latest News:
__ I wrecked the car
Food:
__ Is great!
Grades:
__ I am making all A's
I study:
__ Night and day
Daily Devotions:
__ I read my Bible everyday
On my last visit home, I left:
__ My glasses
Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)
Laundry:
__ My white underwear is now _________________
My room:
__ Can pass your "white glove" test
Parties:
__ I don't inhale
Hope you:
__ Miss me
Salutation:
__ Your Daughter,
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's" :
What is a committee?
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
668: The Neighbor of the Beast
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
"Time's fun when you're having flies."
The Last Things Any Man Would Ever Say:
The Last Things Any Woman Would Ever Say
One day a little boy went to his mother and asked, 'Mummy, what's a pussy?' A little shocked, his mother remained composed, went to the encyclopaedia, opened to the C's and showed her son a picture of a cat, 'That dear is a pussy.'
'Oh,' replied the boy. 'Well Mum, what's a bitch?' Again the mother went to the encyclopaedia opened to the D's and showed her son a picture of a dog, 'Son, this is a dog. A female dog is called a bitch.'
The little boy sought confirmation from his father. 'Dad, what's a pussy?' His father went to the dresser drawer, pulled out a copy of Penthouse and drew a circle, 'Son, that's a pussy.'
'Oh,' replied the boy. 'Well, what's a bitch?'
'Everything outside that circle.' replied his father.
A man after his death was banished to hell.
The Devil himself told him, "Son, as I am in a good mood today, I shall let you have your own choice of place to spend Eternity here!!"
With that the man was ushered to three closed wooden doors.
The Devil unlocked the first one. In that room, the inmates were all head-standing (upside-down) on cold hard brick floor. The man frowned, but thinking about the other two rooms, he said, "I would like to see the other 2 options before making a decision."
The Devil gave a shrug and led him to the other room.
Behind the wooden door, the man saw the inmates doing a head-stand. This time, they were head-standing on wooden floor. The man thought, "Well, at least this isn't hard brick floor!" Still thinking about the other remaining room, he told the Devil, "Can I check out the last room first before making a decision?"
The Devil shrugged, "Why not?" He opened the next door.
In the third room, this time, the man saw the inmates standing, on both feet! However, they were all standing in knee-deep manure! Nonetheless, the inmates were all drinking cups of coffee and chit-chatting. The man thought, "No doubt they were all in manure but they are standing upright and drinking coffee! I can take the stench." Aloud he announced to the Devil, "I want to spend Eternity here!"
In a jiffy, the man was whizzed from the door and was soon standing in the knee-deep manure. He was also given a cup of hot coffee. But hardly a sip or two, one of the Hell Guards who stood in the corner of the room clapped his hand and shouted, "OK, TIME'S UP, COFFEE BREAK'S OVER! EVERYONE BACK ON YOUR HEADS!"
Private Weston was stationed in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly isolated location in the desert. After a couple of weeks without seeing a single woman, he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get some action.
"Well, hell boy, just use the camel, like everyone else", the sergeant replied.
Private Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place. "What do you think I am, some sicko pervert?" he says. The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit yourself."
A couple of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just-a-building in the loins of private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant. "Sergeant, you just gotta give me some leave or I'm gonna bust."
The sergeant says, "Look boy, I told ya, if you want some action, go use the camel." Weston goes over to the camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and dirt surrounding the camel's butt. "Nope, still not that desperate", he says to himself and walks away.
More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant. Before he can speak, the sergeant yells, "Look Weston, I'm not telling you again. Either use the camel or forget it!"
Chastised, Private Weston goes to the camel. "Well, at least it's a large, furry, female mammal", he thinks. He walks behind the camel and goes at it. After he's done, the sergeant walks up to him, visibly shaken and says, "Look, man, the others use the camel to ride into town and pick up girls."
The sky was dark
Her hair was soft
Her skin so soft
I didn't know how
I remember my fear
And when I did it
At last it's finished
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. God bless Grammy. Good-bye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.
About a month or two later the father hear his son saying his prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Good-bye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more that a little worried about the whole situation.
Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good-bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work so he would miss the traffic. He stayed in the office all day. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think YOU had a bad day?" the wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Once upon a time, in ancient China, there was a man who was lost in the desert for three days and three nights. When he was almost at the point of giving up in exasperation, in the hope of a quick death, he saw some lights in the distance. With a ray of hope, he managed to get to the only house in sight and knocked on the door weakly.
An old man answered the door and the young man told him how he got lost and was without food and drink for the last few days. He begged the old man to let him have a decent meal and shelter for the night before he move on the next day.
The old man said: "You can stay here for as long as you like as long as you leave my granddaughter alone. Or else you will be punished with the 3 worst Chinese torture ever invented!" The young man agreed readily, thinking how pretty could the granddaughter be if she lived in such a god-forsaken place. But he was still curious.........
After a good shower, the old man gave him more than just a decent meal. But there was no sign of the granddaughter..........
In the evening, the granddaughter came and joined them for dinner. Wow! She was just absolutely gorgeous and the young man was really attracted to her. During the whole dinnertime, they both couldn't take their eyes off each other, for the granddaughter had not seen any other man ever since other than her grandfather.
That night, the young man sneaked into the young girl's room and he gave her "the time of her life". But they kept the noise level down as low as possible for fear that they would awake the old man. After that the young man sneaked back to his room just before dawn so that the old man would not find out about their rendezvous.
When he awoke later that morning, he found a big rock on his chest, but it wasn't that big as he could move it. On the ceiling was this note: "FIRST TORTURE: EIGHTY POUNDS ROCK ON CHEST!" The young man thought: "What kind of torture is this! I am not dead or in pain at all! What else can the old man come up with?!" With that, he threw the rock out the window without much effort.
While so doing, he found this written at the bottom of the rock: "SECOND TORTURE: RIGHT TESTICLE TIED TO ROCK!" He panicked and jumped after the rock. On the ground outside, this was written: "TDIRD TORTURE: LEFT TESTICLE TIED TO BEDSTAND!"
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day, he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he wasn't as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart."
"I guess he was getting sick too, because soon after, both of them started panting and getting out of breath. His other hand must have got cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down towards the edge of the couch. This was done when the fever started, I knew it was a fever because Sis told him she was hot."
"Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there - about 10 inches long. Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it with one hand to keep it from getting away."
"When Sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that. She said that it was the biggest one she's ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake!"
"Anyway, she got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go - I guess it bit her back."
"Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight, while he took a muzzle from out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again."
"Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors-lock on it, and he helped by lying on top of the eel."
"The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them."
"After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough the eel was dead. I knew it was dead because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides were hanging out."
"Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started kissing her and hugging her again. By golly! The eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started fighting. I guess eels are like cats - they must have nine lives."
"This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After another struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead this time because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel the skin off and flush it down the toilet."
One evening after a show, two gentlemen walking down the road observed a well-dressed and attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One of them said to the other, "I'd give $100 to spend a night with that woman." To their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark and turning round, she smiled and said, "I'll take you on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice. So after bidding his friend goodnight, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment, and they immediately went to bed....
The following morning, the man presented the young lady with $50 just as he was about to leave. She demanded the rest of the payment, stating, "If you don't give the balance to me, I'll sue you for it." The man laughed and said, "I'd like to see you get it on those ground."
After a fortnight, he was surprised to get a summon ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the whole thing. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get judgement against you on those grounds. However, it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your Honour, my client, this young lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a sum of $100. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid $50, being half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since the property was restricted. We therefore ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to ensure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defence therefore, was somewhat alerted from his original plan:
"Your Honour," he said, "my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, and for a time, a degree of pleasure was derived from the occupation of it. However, my client found a well in the property, around which he planted his stones, sank a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour being performed personally by him. We claim these improvements of the property as sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was thus adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that the judgement be not granted."
The young lady's lawyer then replied:
"Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property, and that he did make improvement, such as my learned friend had described. However, had the defendant not been sure that the well existed, he would not have rented the property. Also, when evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took away the pump, which in doing so, he not only pulled the shaft and dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but he left the hole bigger and much larger then it was prior to his occupation, making it easily accessible to children. We therefore ask the $50 balance to be granted."
The young lady got the other $50.
Son : Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Dad : Sure son, what's the question?
Son : What is politics?
Dad : Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby brother the future. Understand?
Son : I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.
That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled nappy, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He than went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to sleep.
The next morning...
Son : Dad, I think I understand politics.
Dad : That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.
Son : While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit.
A Russian, a Cuban, a Mexican and an American are on this boat. The Russian opens a bottle of vodka, takes a few drinks and tosses it overboard. The others are all freaking out saying why did you do that? Well the Russian says, it's OK. I have tons of vodka I'm Russian. They agree and move on.
A little while later the Cuban lights up a nice cigar, takes a few pulls and throws it overboard. All of them again say why did you do that? The Cuban says - hey no problem. I'm from Cuba, we have tons of cigars. So they move on.
A little while later the American gets up and throws the Mexican overboard......
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Pole are hunting in the jungle and are captured by cannibals. They're tied up and taken to the cannibal king.
The king brings the Englishman forward and says, " We're gonna skin you, we're gonna cook you, we're gonna eat you, and then we're gonna make a canoe out of your skin. Do you have any last requests?"
The Englishman asks for a knife. The cannibals bring him a knife, and he says (make a gesture as if slashing your throat with a knife) "God save the Queen!"
The king then brings the Frenchman forward and says, " We're gonna skin you, we're gonna cook you, we're gonna eat you, and then we're gonna make a canoe out of your skin. Do you have any last requests?"
The Frenchman asks for a knife. The cannibals bring him a knife, and he says (make a gesture as if slashing your throat with a knife) " Vive la France! "
Then the king brings the Pole forward and says, " We're gonna skin you, we're gonna cook you, we're gonna eat you, and then we're gonna make a canoe out of your skin. Do you have any last requests?"
The Pole asks for a fork. The cannibals bring him a fork, and he says (make a bunch of stabbing gestures all over your chest) "Fuck your canoe!"
Fenton, visiting the City of Brotherly Love, decided to dine in the most exclusive restaurant.
"Your order?" asked the waiter.
"I'll have the hamburger plate," replied Fenton after examining the menu. In a few minutes the waiter returned. He uncovered a casserole dish revealing two hamburgers. From a pocket the waiter produced a pair of silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat patties to the diner's plate.
"We never touch anything with our hands," said the waiter, smiling.
"Very nice," said Fenton.
"Cleanliness is our motto," retorted the waiter. "And we never touch anything with our hands."
"That's wonderful!"
"We even have a special rule about visiting the lavatory. See this little piece of string attached to my apron?"
"I noticed all the waiters had them. What's it for?"
"Well," said the waiter, placing a large potato on Fenton's plate with his silver tongs, "if I have to go to the bathroom, I just unzip my pants and take it out with that piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary."
"But how do you put it back?" asked Fenton.
"I don't know about the other men," said the waiter, "but I use these tongs."
A frog was at the pearly gates of heaven where he wanted to get in. Saint Peter, peering into his huge book, asked him, "What is your name?"
Soon after, came another frog who wanted to get into Heaven. Saint Peter asked, "What is your name?"
Not long after, yet another frog came hopping up to the gates. Saint Peter asked, "What is your name?"