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Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know we're starting to get on each other's nerves! Why don't we split up today? I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried off in the sun, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated overhead all day."
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I was following them when I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way, all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow," the first guy says, "did you get a blow job?"
"No," replies his buddy. "I couldn't find her head."
Three roommates lived together at a college. Two of the roommates were what we call ideal students: gets up early, studies in their free time, does their homework and turns it in on time, and would even pass up on party offers in order to stay home, study some more, and then go to bed by ten.
The third of the little bunch of roomies was not, however, what you would call an "ideal student."
You see, every night he would go out and get totally plastered. And, like clockwork, every morning, around 3 A.M., he would stumble in the apartment, waking his two studious companions, and then spent a good four or five minutes throwing up in the kitchen sink.
Well, the two studious fellows finally came to the decision one night that this had to stop. So one day, the two made a visit to the local meat market, where they asked the owner if they could have a bucket of cow guts. Knowing that the local college kids were prone to pranks and seeing no harm in it, he conceded and gave them what they asked for.
That night, just as every other night, their party-hardy roommate left to begin his nightly drink-vomit ritual.
While he was gone, the two roommates poured the contents of the bucket, an entire gallon of cow guts, into the kitchen sink, their roommate's sacred vomit basin. They knew that the sight of a sink full of cow guts would frighten their friend into sobriety. Then they crawled into bed and waited.
Sure enough, 3 A.M. brings the sound of their inebriated friend, once again stumbling into the door and tossing his keys and other belongings onto the floor. Then, as usual, the two roommates listen as their friend stumbles into the kitchen and begins to throw up in the kitchen sink.
After he finished his ritualistic blowing of the chunks, the two roommates could hardly control themselves as they waited for the cry of disgust. Instead, only silence came.
Minutes passed. And more minutes. Eventually, the two became tired and fell asleep.
The next morning they awoke to find their friend laying on the couch, sick as a dog.
"Man, what happened to you?" they asked.
"Last night I came in and threw up so hard that I even threw up my guts. It took me a half an hour to swallow them all back down again."
Austin, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corporation technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button. "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse.
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."
Dell technician Wayne Zieschan says one of his customers held the mouse in the air and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly.
At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that she send in a "copy" of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy.
At Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room.
A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergaran says he once calmed a man who became enraged because, "his computer has told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
People who use a mouse for the first time are very puzzled: it's moving too quickly, not accurately enough and there is never enough space on the desk to reach the end of the screen. I once saw a secretary, having not enough space on her desk, continue dragging her mouse on the wall.
A Kentucky farmer of advanced years took a lovely young bride. At first the marriage was very passionate and the couple made love frequently. One day the wife suddenly became disinterested in sex. The old farmer shrugged it off as moodiness but after a few weeks of nearly no sex, he began to worry.
After another few months had passed, the farmer started suspecting that maybe his wife was fooling around. So one day he left the tractor running out in the field and crept back to the house where he caught his wife and her young lover in the act.
While his wife and the young guy were scrambling for their clothes, the farmer fetched his shotgun and burst into the room. The understandably hysterical young man pleaded for his life. The farmer lowered the barrel and pointed toward the barn.
The farmer led the man at gunpoint out to the barn where he proceeded to secure the man's "unit" in a bench vise. The farmer then welded the vise screw so it could not be loosened. The farmer then pulled out a gleaming sharp bowie knife.
The man was screaming now and begging the farmer not to cut off his manhood. The farmer just smiled and handed the man the knife while he said, "Oh, I'm not gonna cut it off. I'm gonna set the barn on fire."
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday, and there on the couch I sat, with nothing on but my socks......
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple, twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment"
Desparate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. He asked if she had had any luck with her tomatoes. "No," she replied, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!!!
A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach : she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture.
First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study.
Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where is God?"
The boy was stunned to silence.
The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question: "I asked you, Where Is God?"
The boy began to quake with dread, this was no ordinary lecture for being bad!
Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother.
"What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked.
"It's awful! The church has lost God and they're blaming US!"
A guys' wife was in a coma. For weeks and weeks he sat by the bed waiting for a sign that she could snap out of it. He holds his wife hand, and gently kisses it, saying "Oh if you could just feel this" and kisses his wife’s hand. Suddenly, the heart monitor beeps faster, as there is some response to the kiss, but it fades away as fast as it came.
The nurse comes in in response to the heart monitor and he explains what he did. The nurse says that it's just a false reaction, and to think nothing of it.
The next day the husband comes back, and in desperation, kisses her on the mouth. The heart monitor goes crazy, as there is a lot of response to his actions. The doctor, who is there at the nurses station comes in and the husband explains what happened yesterday and just now.
The doctor says "I don't want to offend you, but I think we ought to try this to see if she snaps out of it. I want you to have oral sex with your wife."
"Oh my God" says the husband, "I don't know if I can do that"
The doctor says "With the strong reaction to the kiss on the hand and the mouth, it is probably the best chance we have of having her snap out of the coma"
So the doctor closes the curtains, leaves the room and the husband goes at it. The doctor and nurse are by the heart machine and see great reaction, it looks like she may actually come out of the coma, and then all of a sudden. The machine Flatlines!
The Doctor calls for a Code Blue, rushes into the hospital room and tries to try to revive her, but to no avail, she's gone...
The doctor says "What happened? It was going so well."
"I guess she choked."
A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.
He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how gorgeous the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... Could I see your driver's license...?"
"...License...???" replied the blonde, instantly revealing that she wasn't very bright.
"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After mumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer radioed the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back.
"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes," replied the officer.
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.
"Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff, stand back, and drop your pants..."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. That's crazy!" exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
So the cop returned to the blonde, gave back the license and registration, and dropped his pants as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looked down and sighed, "Ohh no... not ANOTDER breathalyser....
Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a dare?
Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows;
Once there was a competition. The idea of the competition was to see who was the best using longbow (and arrows). Target was an apple on top of a little boy's head.
First man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into the apple. "I'm William Tell."
Second man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into William's arrow. "I'm Robin Hood."
Then the third man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into the boy's left eye. "I'm sorry!"
This kid walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him.
The kid walks up to The Madame and says that he wants a girl. The Madame says to the kid "Sorry, You're too young."
The kid Promptly puts a $100 bill on the counter and the Madame says "One girl coming right up."
As the Madame starts walking away the kid says "Hold on a minute... I need a girl with Herpes."
The Madame says "Sorry kid. All my girls are clean." The kid promptly places another $100 bill on the table and the Madame says "One dirty lady coming right up!!!"
The Kid goes upstairs, fucks the girl and when he comes back down, the Madame can't help but ask, "Why did you want a girl with Herpes?"
The kid replied, "You see... It goes like this... I went up, fucked that girl and got the Herpes... I'll go home and my baby sitter will be there and I'll fuck my baby sitter and she'll get the herpes. Then my dad will come home and take the baby sitter home and fuck the baby sitter and he'll get the herpes. Then he'll come home and fuck my mum and SHE'LL get the herpes. Tomorrow morning my dad will go to work at 8 am.
At nine the Milkman comes... and HE'S the bastard that killed my frog!"
12 Jewish guys decide to take a trip through the desert, so they go to the Arab camel-hire man to hire camels. The Arab tells them it's 1000 dinars per camel, which they find too expensive. "12000 dinars for transport?
No way". So they decide to hire just the one camel, which they all ride, from head to tail. After a mile or so, the camel starts staggering, trembling etc. The first guy, the one on the camel's snout, turns to the second man and says "I guess the camel is fucked...". The second turns to the third and relays, "I guess the camel is fucked...". The third to the fourth and so on, until the 11th turns to the 12th who was sitting on the camel's very end, and says "I guess the camel is fucked".
"So what do you want me to do?", says the twelfth. "If I pull it out, I'll fall off!"
A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
Two statues, a naked man and naked woman, had stood in a London park for close to a century, each reaching out for the other, each longing for the other, their yearning, naturally, never satisfied.
And one day down came an angel who addressed them thus: "It has been decreed that for your steadfastness you shall be awarded a half hour to do what each of you most desire."
Well, the man statute and woman statue descend from their pedestals and without ceremony, head for the bushes. And for about 15 minutes all you can hear are sounds of snaffling around in the leaves.
When the man and woman emerge, they come before the angel and thank him profusely.
"No problem," says the angel. "But why waste time. You still have 15 minutes left."
Well, the couple look at one another and the woman says shyly, "Manfred, shall we do it again?"
"Oh yes, Hilda. Only this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on him."
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for Man, One Giant leap for Mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, mostly the usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
While answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the three decade old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbour’s bedroom windows. His neighbours were Mr & Mrs Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs Gorsky shouting at Mr Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Question One - When you go to the mall, is your main objective to :
Question Two - When you are invited to a pool party, you go :
Question Three - When in class/at work, do you :
Question Four - If a bear attacked your camp when you and your family are camping, would you :
Question Five - When your family takes you out to a fancy restaurant, you :
Question Six - When you are driving down a street in your town, you :
Question Seven - You regard your sibling as :
Mostly D
Mostly C
Mostly B
Mostly A