JOKES FOR JUNE 1997

Date

Joke Title
June 30
June 29
June 28
June 27
June 26
June 25
June 24
June 23
June 22
June 21
June 20
June 19
June 18
June 17
June 16
June 15
June 14
June 13
June 12
June 11
June 10
June 9
June 8
June 7
June 6
June 5
June 4
June 3
June 2
June 1

Definitions For Everyday Parents

  1. AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.
  2. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
  3. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
  4. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
  5. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
  6. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
  7. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
  8. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.
  9. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be, as long as they do everything we say.
  10. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
  11. PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
  12. PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
  13. SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
  14. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
  15. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
  16. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
  17. VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
  18. WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

Contents Page

Sex Differences

MATURITY:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, coloured stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATDROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

LEG WARMERS:

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

GOING OUT:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup.…..

CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LOW BLOWS:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals & sometimes work.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style." When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

NICKNAMES:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Biscut-Head, Jerk-off, Dick Head and Jack ass.

MIRRORS:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, etc.

TDE TELEPHONE:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS:

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighbourhood. I recognise that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer and look what happened to him.

TOYS:

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, Car phones, Complicated juicers and blenders, Graphic equalisers, Small robots that serve cocktails on command, Video games and anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

TIME:

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION:

Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely.", "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?", "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

FRIENDS:

Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the pretzels" or "Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS:

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Fred, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

Contents Page

Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

  1. A few clowns short of a circus.
  2. A few fries short of a happy meal.
  3. A few beers short of a six pack.
  4. A few peas short of a casserole.
  5. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
  6. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
  7. One taco short of a combination plate.
  8. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
  9. All foam, no beer.
  10. The cheese slid off his cracker.
  11. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
  12. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
  13. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
  14. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  15. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch.
  16. An intellect rivalled only by garden tools.
  17. As smart as bait.
  18. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
  19. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
  20. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
  21. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
  22. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
  23. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
  24. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  25. Receiver is off the hook.
  26. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
  27. Skylight leaks a little.
  28. Slinky's kinked.
  29. Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Contents Page

15 Signs An Athlete Is Using A Banned Substance

  1. Get "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he's on the chess team.
  2. Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
  3. Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's French Open.
  4. Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 *and* the Preakness.
  5. Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable seconds in the 100-meter freestyle.
  6. His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."
  7. Absent-mindedly shows up at starting blocks with syringe dangling from arm.
  8. Remainder of high jump event postponed until he lands.
  9. Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.
  10. Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.
  11. Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
  12. According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.
  13. Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."
  14. Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to "Old Man River."
  15. Forget Nike and Reebok - he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.

Contents Page

Eye 'Ear You

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business.

So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. He realised, however, that he had no business knowledge at all. So he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The candidate said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."

The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

This candidate also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears."

The man was really upset again, and threw the second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The candidate replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any fucking ears!"

Contents Page

Top Ten Reasons Why The Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt In The Star Trek Universe

  1. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
  2. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
  3. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
  4. One word: Lightsabers.
  5. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg Empire with one glance.
  6. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
  7. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
  8. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
  9. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I".
  10. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.

Contents Page

The Ass-In-Charge

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said, "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said, "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said, "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

Contents Page

25 Snappy Comebacks To : Why Aren't You Married Yet?

  1. You haven't asked yet.
  2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
  3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
  4. Nobody would believe me in white.
  5. Because I just love hearing this question.
  6. Just lucky, I guess.
  7. It gives my mother something to live for.
  8. My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
  9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
  10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
  11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
  12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
  13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
  14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
  15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
  16. I'd have to forfeit my billion-dollar trust fund.
  17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
  18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
  19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
  20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
  21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
  22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheque.
  23. Why aren't you thin?
  24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
  25. Because having a husband/wife and a child would be redundant.

Contents Page

RAI Invests $125 Million In Microsoft Network

VATICAN CITY -- A division of Italian television giant RAI said Wednesday it has invested $125 million for a 20 percent stake in Microsoft Corp.'s planned on-line computer service, The Microsoft Divine Network.

The investment lays the groundwork for delivering planned on-line religious services to personal computers over television cable, which will allow much faster and richer transmission of data such as sound clips and video than is permitted today over regular telephone lines.

"We are big believers in connecting PCs to cable for on-line because it gives us more bandwidth to do new kinds of applications using audio and video," said Ziggy Mann, general manager of the Microsoft on-line services group.

Under the agreement, RAI's Vatican Technology Ventures has made an all-stock investment in the newly formed Microsoft Online Church Partnership, which will hold the assets and cash flow of the planned on-line service.

The service was announced in November and is expected to be launched next year as an optional feature (Microsoft Church) of the Windows 95 operating system, which now is expected to be available in August 1995.

The service will be offered at first over telephone lines, but Don Novello, senior vice president of the RAI-Vatican technology unit, said by 1996, some on-line services likely will be delivered over cable as cable modems and other equipment are perfected.

While RAI would market and distribute the service to the 20 million households, the relationship would not be exclusive and the cable provider would offer connections to any on-line services available and requested by its customers, Novello said.

America OnLine, CompuServe and other on-line service providers have been testing the possibility of delivering their services over cable rather than telephone lines.

The partnership announced Wednesday, which long had been rumoured, is one of several between RAI and Microsoft.

The two companies also are about to begin a small-scale test of interactive television services broadcasting from the Vatican, and have announced plans to develop a cable television channel focused on computing, which Novello said will be launched next year.

Rob Goldman, an analyst at Imperiale Shwain, said the latest agreement was strategically important to both companies and signalled an increasing convergence of media on the information superhighway.

"I think it is very strategic for Microsoft to try to leverage their investment in an on-line service to be able to offer it to RAI's 20 million households," he said.

"Ultimately you ought to able to access this through your television and not just your personal computer. Having the same on-line service connected to (both) would be a very powerful thing."

Executives of the two companies did not provide details on how they arrived at a figure that values The Microsoft Divine Network at $625 million even though it likely won't begin operation until August.

"We negotiated a fair valuation based on what we know today," Novello said in a Vatican conference call with reporters and analysts.

Mann said Microsoft had no current plans to take on additional equity partners in the on-line business, "but if the right deal or right partner came along we'd be open to that."

Contents Page

Pick Up Line Comebacks

  1. Him: I know how to please a woman.
    Her: Then please leave me alone.

  2. Him: I want to give myself to you.
    Her: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

  3. Him: Your hair colour is fabulous.
    Her: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drugstore.

  4. Him: You look like a dream.
    Her: Go back to sleep.

  5. Him: I can tell that you want me.
    Her: Yes, I want you to leave.

  6. Him: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
    Her: Stop.

  7. Him: I'd go through anything for you.
    Her: Let's start with your bank account.

  8. Him: May I have the last dance?
    Her: You've just had it.

  9. Him: Your place or mine?
    Her: Both. You go to your place and I'll go to mine.

  10. Him: Your body is like a temple.
    Her: Sorry, there are no services today.

  11. Him: Is this seat empty?
    Her: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

  12. Him: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
    Her: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

  13. Him: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
    Her: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Contents Page

Top 10 Thoughts On Relationships

  1. I don't think of myself as single. I'm romantically challenged.
  2. My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
  3. I can't get a relationship to last longer than it takes to make copies of the videotapes.
  4. I think, therefore, I'm single.
  5. I dated this girl for two years - and then the nagging started, "I wanna know your name ."
  6. Relationships don't last anymore. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
  7. Do you know the best way for a guy to impress a woman in the gym is to do pull ups?
    Pull up in a Corvette.
    Pull up in a Rolls-Royce.
    Pull up in a Cadillac.
  8. I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married. And I didn't want him to.
  9. Everytime a baseball player grabs his crotch it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.
  10. A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.

Contents Page

Redneck Sex Test

  1. The clitoris is a type of flower
  2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
  3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
  4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
  5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
  6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
  7. Semen is a term for sailors.
  8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
  9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
  10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
  11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
  12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
  13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
  14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
  15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
  16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
  17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
  18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
  19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
  20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
  21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
  22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
  23. Pornography is the business of making records.
  24. Genitals are people on non-Jewish origin.
  25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
  26. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
  27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.
  28. Scrotum is a small planet next to Uranus.
  29. A vulva is a car from Sweden.
  30. It is dangerous to dream under an electric blanket.

Contents Page

Love, Lust & Marriage

LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE - when intercourse is called making love.

LUST - all other times.
MARRIAGE - what's intercourse?

LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.

LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - when you argue over money.

LOVE - when you share everything you own.

LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything.

LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.

LUST - when the relationship is over, if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - what's a climax?

LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".

LUST - when you phone each other just to arrange sex.
MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.

LUST - when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - when all you write are checks.

LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings.

LUST - when you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling..."

LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent.

LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake.

LOVE - when your heart flutters everytime you see them.

LUST - when your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - when nobody else matters.

LUST - when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST - when it's just the same mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music.

LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.

LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does.

LUST - when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.

Contents Page

Instruction And Advice For The Young Bride

To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolising her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex it at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it. It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.

Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.

Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.

Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted. A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practised only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton night-gowns for themselves and pyjamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.

Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury that she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.

When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. The optimistic husband could interpret bodily motion on her part as sexual excitement.

If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.

If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.

Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pyjamas to thus make connection.

She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.

One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful, is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instil in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.

Contents Page

The Easiest Quiz In The World?

Questions:

  1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
  2. Which country makes Panama hats?
  3. From which animal do we get catgut?
  4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
  5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
  6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
  7. What was King George VI's first name?
  8. What colour is a purple finch?
  9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
  10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

Answers:

  1. 116 years. From 1337 to 1453.
  2. Ecuador.
  3. From sheep and horses.
  4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
  5. Squirrel fur.
  6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
  7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
  8. Distinctively crimson.
  9. New Zealand.
  10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

Contents Page

The Computer Hillbillies

(To the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,

A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But the one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

UNIX, this is... CRTs... Workstations...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.

The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...

Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.

Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "you project's late, but we know just what to do.

Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.

Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"

Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.

Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,

Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now... ya hear'

Contents Page

How To Feel Like A Woman

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash, and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man, tall and smiling, starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.

He stands in front of her, shirt in hand, and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" She nods her head.

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this".

Contents Page

Men Are Like...

  1. Men are like department stores... their clothes should always be half off.
  2. Men are like vacations... they never seem to be long enough.
  3. Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
  4. Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
  5. Men are like chocolate bars... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
  6. Men are like coffee... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
  7. Men are like horoscopes... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
  8. Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
  9. Men are like cement... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Contents Page

Owed To A Spell Checker

I have a spelling checker

It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea

Eye ran this poem threw it

Your sure real glad two no
It's vary polished in it's weigh
My checker tolled me sew

A checker is a bless sing

It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime

To rite with care is quite a feet

Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud

And now bee cause my spelling

Is checked with such grate flare
Their are know faults with in my site
Of nun eye am a wear

Each frays comes posed up on my screen

Eye trussed to be a joule
The checker poured over every word
To cheque sum spelling rule

That's why aye brake in two averse

By righting wants too pleas
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas

Contents Page

Love(ly) Thoughts

  1. Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. -- Woody Allen
  2. Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. -- Jim Backus
  3. Only decent girls keep a diary. The others don't have the time. -- Tallulah Bankhead
  4. Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. -- Ambrose Bierce
  5. Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
  6. Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. -- M.Hirschfield
  7. Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. -- Lisa Hoffman
  8. Moving together with a man is like buying something you have long admired in a shop window. You're exalted when you bring it home, but you soon discover that it doesn't match the rest of the furniture. -- Jean Kerr
  9. I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. -- Sam Kinison
  10. Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Erica Jong
  11. We're going to talk about sex -- actually, you're going to talk about sex, because I can't remember. -- Ralph Noble
  12. You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal, happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one. -- Ralph Noble
  13. Every time I date a man I think: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? -- Rita Rudner
  14. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. -- Rita Rudner
  15. When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. -- George Bernard Shaw
  16. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
  17. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
  18. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Contents Page

Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

  1. Here, honey, you use the remote.
  2. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too darn big.
  3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
  4. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
  5. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
  6. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
  7. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
  8. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
  9. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
  10. We never talk anymore.

Contents Page

Beer Genes

Yesterday Scientists in The USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female genes.

To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking rubbish and couldn't drive.

Contents Page

It's A Bad Day When...

  1. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

  2. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

  3. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.

  4. While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

  5. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbour came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

  6. An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

Contents Page

Logical Thinking?

  1. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

  2. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalise the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

  3. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

  4. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

  5. Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

  6. The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. Besides, they get better gas mileage that way.

  7. The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate south-west, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

  8. When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Contents Page

GCSE Examination Paper - Sexism Studies

Attempt all questions. If you do not know the answer to a particular question attempt to look at someone else's paper by knocking your biro onto the floor and having a shufty while you lean over to retrieve it. You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the answers you wrote on the wall yesterday. After ten minutes, request more paper to frighten the other candidates into thinking that you must have written loads. Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are reasonably sure of into the answers to every question. At 4.30 exactly, everybody cough to make the invigilator jump.

Section A (50%)

  1. Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer:
    a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight.
    b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the bath after the match, though.

  2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes.

  3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.

  4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mates house while his parents were away for the weekend.
    a) Sex Boat
    b) Three Into One Will Go
    c) King Dong
    d) Speared by Zulu Lovers

  5. Women drivers? Discuss.

Section B (50%)

  1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match.

  2. Name something a woman has invented.

  3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.

  4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari Testerossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either.

Contents Page

Diskette Care - I Hope Not!

  1. Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

  2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

  3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

  4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

  5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

  6. Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

  7. If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

  8. Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

  9. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

Contents Page

Revised (Politically Correct) Office Phrases

OLD: No fucking way.

NEW: I'm not certain that's feasible.

OLD: You've got to be shitting me?

NEW: Really?

OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit.

NEW: Perhaps you should check with…

OLD: Ask me if I give a shit.

NEW: Of course I'm concerned.

OLD: It's not my fucking problem.

NEW: I wasn't involved in that project.

OLD: What the fuck?

NEW: Interesting behaviour…

OLD: Fuck it. It won't work.

NEW: I'm not sure I can implement this.

OLD: Why the fuck didn't they tell me sooner?

NEW: I'll try to reschedule that.

OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

NEW: Perhaps I can work late?

OLD: Who the fuck cares.

NEW: Are you sure it's a problem?

OLD: He's got his head up his ass.

NEW: He's not familiar with the problem.

OLD: Eat shit.

NEW: You don't say?

OLD: Eat shit and die.

NEW: Excuse me?

OLD: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

NEW: Excuse me, sir?

OLD: What the fuck do they want from me?

NEW: They weren't happy with it?

OLD: Kiss my ass.

NEW: So, would you like my help with that?

OLD: Fuck it. I'm on salary.

NEW: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

OLD: Shove it up your ass.

NEW: I don't think you understand.

OLD: This job sucks shit.

NEW: I love a challenge.

OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss?

NEW: You want me to take care of this?

OLD: Blow me.

NEW: I see.

OLD: Blow yourself.

NEW: Do you see?

OLD: Another fucking meeting?

NEW: Yes, we should discuss this.

OLD: I don't really give a shit.

NEW: I don't think it will be a problem.

OLD: He's fucking retarded.

NEW: He's confused.

Contents Page

Horsing Around

A farmer was plowing his field with an ox. At a certain place he stopped the plowing, lifted his plow and 6 feet away started to plow again. He was plowing for anther 15 feet when he lifted it again, held it up for another 6 feet and resumed plowing.

A friend who stood watching him, asked him for explanation:

The farmer: "The first place was the place where I have had my first sexual experience, and the second place was where her mother stood".

The friend: "And what did the mother to say?"

The farmer: "Mehe, Mehe...."

Contents Page

Training For Marriage

A man and a woman were sharing a sleeper berth on the overnight train to Scotland. The guy had the bottom bunk and the woman had the top bunk. Small talk is engaged prior to departure.

At about 2am the man is woken by the girl.

"Excuse me" she says. "It's a bit cold, the blankets are under your bunk.... could you pass me one?"

"Wouldn't you just like to pretend that we're married" he asks.

"Oohh yes, that would be nice" she giggles.

"Good" he replies... "Get your own damn blanket then!"

Contents Page

It's All French To Me......

This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. After a few minutes, the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy what he'd like.

The guy says, "I'd like a quickie."

The waitress flushes and says, "That's not funny, Sir. Now, what would you like to order?"

The guy says, "I'd really like a quickie." The waitress slaps him hard and storms off angrily.

Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to the guy, "Um, I think that it's pronounced 'quiche'."

Contents Page