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Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalising the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth--when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverise the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporised Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
A couple in their seventies went to the doctors office.
The doctor asked, What can I do for you?
The man answered, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said, There was nothing wrong with the way you had intercourse, and he charged them a $32.00 fee. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, Just exactly what are you trying to find out?
The old man replied, Were not trying to find out anything. She is married so we cant go to her house. I’m married so we cant go to my place. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $78.00. We do it here for $32.00 and get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the Doctors office.
A woman is out shopping for a mirror, she finds the one she wants and asks the clerk how much is it?
$100.00,relies the clerk.
My god, why so much? exclaims the woman.
Because its magic, anything you ask for in rhyme you will get.
Great Ill take it! She takes it home and tries it out.
Mirror mirror on the door, make by bust a 44. Wiz bang she instantly has the huge chest she asked for. Her husband comes home sees her chest and asks how she did it.
After she tells him he runs upstairs, looks in the mirror and says, Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis hit the floor! And his legs fall off.
A huge truck driver is sitting at a bar having a drink when this little pip-squeak of a guy walks in and asks who owns the pitbull dog outside.
The truck driver hollers Its MY dog! What’s it to you!
The little runt says Nothing, but I think my dog just killed yours...
The truck driver jumps up and says WHAT! What kind of dog do you have anyway?
The other guy replies A toy poodle.
A poodle! the truck driver yells. How in the hell can a poodle kill a pitbull dog!?!
Well, replied the little guy, I think he choked on it...
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything, meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise "
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri " "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
These three men are going through SOF training, trying to become Special Forces. They finally get through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who takes them to a small room with a one way mirror in it looking into another room.
They bring the first guy's wife into that room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the first man and says "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 1 minute later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."
They then bring the second guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and says "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 3 minutes later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."
Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third man and says "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is silence for 1 minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and says, "Good job, asshole! You gave me blanks - I had to choke the bitch!"
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Gates,
A poor nerdy geek, couldn't get himself no dates.
And then one day he was playing with some code,
When up on his screen came a package called DOS mode.
Micro-code, Stand-alone!
Well, the first thing ya know, Big Blue is getting scared,
The big top five and others start to think they won't be spared.
They said, small computers is the place you wanna be!
So they downsized all their companies to the size of a PC.
SIMM Chips, Mother boards!
Now good old DOS was good but it was not all it could be,
It had inherent problems with conventional memory.
You can't get multi-tasking loading in adapter space,
He'd have to build a system with a different interface.
Icons, Visual basic!
So, Bill looked around and he saw the Apple system,
When his programmers cloned the Apple look they said that Billy kissed 'em.
Now, Multi-tasking is the way we're gonna go!
We'll run everything from DOS inside of its very own window.
DLL's, INI files!
Now WINDOWS three point one had quite a lengthy run,
But doing things in network mode, it could not get it done!
Too many conflicts with IRQs and software wrote to drive,
So up through his R and D came WINDOWS 95.
System registries, Hardware wizards!
The time has come for Bill and crew to upgrade once again.
He'd like to stop and thank you folks for kindly logging in.
You're all invited back next year for beta test eleven,
And to buy yourself a copy of WINDOWS '97!
Surf a spell, Take your net down! Y'all connect back up now, ya hear?
What the 24th century would be like under today's management techniques.
After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak".
Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic brain isn't properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's record keeping as he's stripped for parts.
All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core breach that kills everyone.
Commander Riker is fired after a round of "right sizing". Star Fleet decided that it didn't really need someone to seduce alien females and smirk a lot.
As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Picard is forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.
Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg "Team Building" methods and requires all new-born babies to be implanted with computer interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel disability claims.
The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with Star Fleet Command because they're still running an old version of Windows and can't get budget approval for the upgrade.
As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties Using No-longer-produced Shows).
Picard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the Ferengis, the Q and the Romulans.
A ship-wide reorganisation results in Worf becoming the ship's counsellor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later.
The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times, they're still only getting 3% raises.
Two fags were walking on the beach one day when one of them found an old oil lamp. He picked it up, cleaned it off, and out popped a genie. The genie said " I will grant you both just one wish. The fags looked at each other and were perplexed. They could not come up with a wish that they both agreed on. They asked if they could have some more time and the genie reluctantly agreed. "I will give you more time because you have freed me."
Two nights later the faggots were watching TV when they heard a tremendous ruckus outside. Before they knew it, the KKK broke down the door. Ropes were thrown around each of their necks and they were drug out to the oak tree in the yard. Just as the ropes were flung over a sturdy branch, one of the fags turned to the other and said " Don’t you think now would be a good time to use that wish from the genie!" To which the other replied, " Sorry, but I already did!
I told the genie that we wanted to be hung like black guys!"
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled -- leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realises that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does -- backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house -- whereupon she realised that the camel's name was ... "Otto."
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check -- a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head -- and realised that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole -- are you ready for this? -- the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera. The police, however, did.)
North Carolina: A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realised that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialled "911" for help ...
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realise that they locked the keys in the truck -- so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled -- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
Florida: Dr. John Rende, a 38-year-old Florida dentist, agreed to allow two brothers to cut off a finger with an axe and claim it was an accident. He collected a $1.3 million lump-sum settlement from one brother's homeowners policy, and filed under his own disability policy as well. Rende used some of the money to buy a yacht, which he named "Minus One." He and his brothers pleaded guilty and are currently in jail.... (Excerpted from Erie Insurance Group's "In Sync" magazine.)
Hagerstown, MD: Jeff M. was caught driving while intoxicated, and was promptly arrested by Maryland's finest so he could have some private time to sober up a little. As he was leaving the police station, however, Jeff decided to "thank" the arresting officer for services rendered by dropping his trousers -- while facing the officer -- and making a gesture which would probably be understood by, say, Divine Brown. :-) Jeffy was promptly arrested *again*, and charged with indecent exposure.
(The following are all excerpted from "USA Today," Tuesday, 9 Apr 96; the "USA Today" article was, itself, excerpted from the book, "Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest," by John J. Kohut and Roland Sweet. (Penguin Books))
Vernon, British Columbia: Raymond Cuthbert dropped by a drugstore to say that he and his accomplice would be back in 30 minutes to rob the place. On time for their appointment, they were arrested by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Sao Paulo, Brazil: Psychiatrist Oscar Dominguez was listening to a patient talk about her sex life when he pulled out a gun and shot her to death. As he explained to the court, "I just couldn't take those nut cases anymore."
Rouen, France: Moments after robbing a bank, Jules Duprer jumped into a car, shouting, "Get away quick, before the cops come." He failed to notice that the car he was counting on to spirit him to safety was a *police* car.
(Location Unknown): A gentleman awoke one cold morning and found that his car would not start; the problem was a frozen fuel line. No problem for Mr. Brilliant -- one need only warm up the gas, right? So he siphoned off the fuel, put it into a pot, took it into the kitchen and heated it up on the stove....
Washington, D.C.: In 1994, local businesses paid their quarterly tax payments using pre-printed address labels provided by the city. The unopened payments were returned to the senders, with the notation "Box closed for non-payment of rent." The city had failed to pay the $405 annual fee.
ON CLOTDES:
ON TRAVEL:
ON DEATD:
ON ... WELL, ON EVERYTDING:
ON DATING:
ON SEX:
ON RELATIONSHIPS:
(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...
Foul play has not been ruled out.
With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.
The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"
"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!"
Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.
According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totalled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."
It was not easy, you'd think it hurts
It took much effort
I had to let it happen, I had to change
Don't Cry For Me Singapura
And as for headlines, and as for shame
They are illusions
Don't cry for me Singapura
Have I screwed too much
A guy comes home from work and as soon as he closes the door he hears his bed squeaking. He walks up the stairs and into the bedroom and finds his wife on top screwing his best friend.
In a fit of rage, the guy goes and gets his gun and shoots his wife in the back of her head. Feeling sudden remorse, he calls the police and tells him what he did. When the police arrive and he explains what happened, the officer asks if he shot his best friend as well.
"No" he replies.
Did you say anything to him? the officer asked.
"Yes" he replies.
Well, what did you say to him?, the officer asked.
"Bad Dog!"
An American Jew enters into a bar and sees a Chinese guy having a beer. He walks over and gives the Chinese guy a huge back hander which lays the poor guy out on the floor.
"What was that for?" says the Chinese.
"That" says the Jew " Was for bombing Pearl Harbour you bastards!"
The poor Chinese guy is lost. He says " Hey wait, I'm Chinese, not Japanese, it was the Japanese that bombed Pearl Harbour"
The Jew says "Chinese, Japanese, you're all the same to me"
So the Chinese gives the American Jew a huge back hander that lays him out on the floor. The Jew is shocked.
"What was that for?"
"That was for sinking the Titanic"
"The Titanic!" says the Jew "The Titanic was sunk by a iceberg!"
And the Chinese says "Iceberg, Goldberg, Spielberg, you're all the same to me!"
A foursome of guys are teeing off from the 9th tee. Now, it just so happened that the 9th is right alongside one of the local roads. One of the men is just about to swing when a big hearse and a long procession of cars comes driving by. The man stops mid-swing, puts his club down, and stands staring mournfully at the parade. Once all the cars pass, he lines up again and hits.
His partners are touched by the man's show of respect. One of them says:
"Nice shot, man. And that was really nice of you to stop while that funeral procession went by."
"Well, you know...it's the least I can do," the man replies humbly. "I mean, I owe her SOMETDING after 24 years together..."