JOKES FOR SEPTEMBER 1997

Bathroom Graffiti

1. Here I lie in stinky vapour,
   Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
   Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
   Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

   Here I sit

   What a caper

   I have to shit

   But I'm out of paper

   Here I sit

   Broken hearted

   Tried to shit

   But only farted

   You're lucky

   You had your chance

   I tried to fart,

   And shit my pants!

   I came here

   To shit and stink,

   But all I do

   Is sit and think.

   Some come here to sit and think,

   Some come here to shit and stink,

   But I come here to scratch my balls,

   And read the bullshit on the walls...

   (written high upon the wall)

   If you can piss above this line,

   the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.

   (written high upon the wall above a urinal)

   Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.

   Sign posted in a bathroom:

   We aim to please!

   You aim too! Please!

   Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.

   We don't piss in your ashtrays!

   Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words:

   "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."

   On the inside of a toilet door:

   Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

   "$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down into the toilet)

   A sign seen at a swimming pool once:

   We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!

   Another sign seen at a swimming pool:

   Welcome to our ool.

   Notice there's no P in it.

   Please keep it that way.

   My mother made me a whore.

   (to which someone else added)

   If I give her the yarn, will she make me one too?

   Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone scribbled:

   I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

   In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant:

   It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit.

   It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.

   Sign seen at a restaurant:

   The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...

   Please aim properly.

   Here I sit, I'm at a loss

   Trying to shit out taco sauce.

   When it comes, I hope and pray,

   I don't blow my ass away.

   Here's one seen above a urinal:

   look up, look up

   [even higher on the wall]

   keep looking up

   [on the ceiling]

   Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!

   While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:

   Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis!

   Look Left. You look left and it reads:

   Look Right

   You look right and it reads:

   Look Left...

   Everybody pisses on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.

   (written above a urinal)

   Why are you looking up here?

   Are you ashamed of it?

   Some people come here to take a shit, I come here to leave one.

   Don't look now! You're pissing on your neighbors foot.

The Taxidermist

An English taxidermist, is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and, in his well educated voice, asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."

One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?"

Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?"

"Ac...actually," the Englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist."

"Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist, then?"

"I mount d..d..dead animals."

"It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "he's one of us!"

Cheap 'Shot'

Jon, a somewhat simple minded young fella, decided to let himself be pampered and went into a brothel. Explaining his desire to the madam, she answered him, "Sure we can pamper you enough, but as to how much is dependent onto how much money you have with you."

Looking into his wallet Jon stated, "Well all I have is $10."

Laughing the madam exclaims, "Well for ten dollars you can go outside around back and play with yourself."

Looking a bit depressed, and obviously let down having expected more, Jon went outside. After a few minutes, he returned.

A bit irritated, the madam of the house asked him, "What are you doing back here?!"

Jon said, "I'm finished and would like to pay."

Kidney 'Distillery'

Two old Irishmen were holding up the bar at the local pub, reminiscing and drinking as they were wont to do, when one became quite melancholy and asked his friend, "Sean, when my time comes and I pass on, can ye do me a favour?"

His friend replies, "Liam, you've been my friend for nigh on thirty years...just ask and I'll do it for you. What would you like me to do?"

The first one said, "Sean, on me mantelpiece at home is an old, old bottle of fine Irish whiskey. When they bury me, would you be mindin' it if ye poured it over me grave?"

And the second one gravely replies, "Liam, you know I'll be honoured to do as you ask, but I'm wonderin', would you mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?"

Dick For Brains

In a village in South America there was a young man who was what some people call a Casanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didn't matter. The trouble was that he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marriage. This innocent virgin, her name was RAZ, did not know anything about sex. Of course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well, finally they were married and on their wedding night, RAZ was very impressed with sex. She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way. What a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want her to think that all men were the same, so he told her, "I tell you something, Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing." So...she believed him.

The "Tiger" of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks, when he came back he began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasn't there. He then went down through the village looking for her.

"RAZ, RAZ, where are you?"

Finally he meets up with her on the street. RAZ appears to be very angry and frustrated. "You son-a-bitch, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good for nothing" and begins to hit and fight with him.

"Hey whoa, what's the matter baby, what did I do? I didn't do nothing why you mad at me?" our tiger asks.

RAZ says, "Yeah, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the street? Well he has "one" also and she points to his genitals.

Our hero thinks about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, shit I can fix this. "Hey Honey, I tell you something, you know what? Sancho he is my best friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him one", he is all smiles and goes over to hug RAZ.

RAZ is now angrier and begins to clobber the shit out of him. "You dumb ass, stupido, ignorante," she yells at him.....

"YOU GAVE HIM TDE BEST ONE!"

Tooling Around

The judge asked the defendant to please stand, "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to the defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"Damn tightwad," the same man in the gallery blurted out.

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, he continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the man in the galley; "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now. Do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

Hospital Admissions

1. A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitro-glycerine pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitro-glycerine explode.

2. A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least, during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".

3. The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

4. A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago.

5. A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "You mean like having sex with our dog?"

6. A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

Joe Rabbit

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full . "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

"That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

The True Story Of Robin Hood

Top 15 Signs Your Execution Isn't Going Well

15. The poison gas is bad enough, but pumping laughing gas into the audience chamber is just plain cruel!
14. The anti-capital punishment demonstrators are carrying signs reading, "Okay, but just this once."
13. Wacky guards post sign outside your cell: "Elevation -6".
12. At the last minute, the governor calls, but only to ask if you have Prince Albert in a can.
11. They assure you "Old Sparky" isn't acting up, but still arrange burgers on your head.
10. Firing squad of Ted Nugent, Charlton Heston, and Barry Switzer replaced by Elmer Fudd, Wile E. Coyote, and Yosemite Sam.
9. That burning smell doesn't mean they ruined the Steak Tartare, Chester.
8. The electric chair operator asks you to turn over so they can do the other side.
7. Guitar-carrying executioner says not to worry, he'll be "killing you softly" with his song.
6. You wake to a muffled voice saying, "Let's get the dirt back in there and call it a day!"
5. Supreme Court Golf Tournament scheduled for day of your execution.
4. The jolt from the electric chair only manages to give you "Don King hair."
3. In the viewing room, Martha Stewart's gingerbread electric chair cookies are getting more attention than you are.
2. Despite what the paperwork says, there's apparently no such thing as "Lethal Erection."
1. Your kicky new sundress? Ruined!

Rubbing It In

This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "What do you mean almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

Disarming Situation

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Murphy's Sex Laws

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29. Love is a hole in the heart.
30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32. Do it only with the best.
33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38. Thou shalt not commit adultery.... unless in the mood.
39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45. Never say no.
46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51. Love comes in spurts.
52. The world does not revolve on an axis.
53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek

Safe Sex

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

"Well," said the doctor, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No", replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life ".

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half... the LOOKING or the TDINKING?"

Mushy Talk

So anyway this hillbilly took his girl up to lovers peak. They sat down on a log.

After a bit Judi says to Jon, "Aren't the stars purty tonight?"

Jon says, "Sure is Judi".

Judi says, "Jon, aren't the moon purty tonight".

Jon says, "Sure is Judi".

After a bit Judi says, "Jon, whisper something soft and mushy in my ear".

So Jon leans over and whispers "Shit"...

Sick Sex

Mr. Wojohowitz had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, "Why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"

He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "You know dear, I've been thinking it over and I see no reason why we couldn't manage a month long cruise so we could relax and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young."

He smiled, turned around and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms.

Upon returning back home his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on her face.

"Max, I have a marvellous idea. You know, now that our children are all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the world."

"I'll be right back," he said.

Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Mr. Wojohowitz sheepishly ordered 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.

The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order then passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr. Wojohowitz, you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, WHY DO YOU DO IT!?"

Language Boo Boo

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...…

1. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

2. The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

3. In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

4. Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

5. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

6. When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car "Caribe" in its Spanish markets.

7. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead, the ads said that "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

8. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

9. Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

10. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

11. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

Medical Reports

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

1. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

4. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

5. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

7. I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

8. Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

9. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

10. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

12. The patient refused an autopsy.

13. The patient has no past history of suicides.

14. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

15. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

16. Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

17. The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

18. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

19. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

20. The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Never Say Never

1. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.

2. Never accept a drink from an urologist.

3. Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.

4. Never say "Oops" in the operating room.

5. Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end".

6. Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.

7. Never kick a fresh cow dropping on a hot day.

8. Never thrust your sickle into another's corn.

9. Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.

10. Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.

11. Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.

12. Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

13. Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.

14. Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.

15. Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.

16. Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel.

Criminal Stupidity

1. A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

2. David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armoured car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

3. Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

4. Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

5. R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

Beer - The True Story

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The result of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that beer! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.

Be all that you can be.

The Gene Pool Needs Chlorine

IN TDE BAG